"On a parting note... ´Some birds can fly, and others cannot.´ This is the only truth in your existence. I pray you´ll have the ability to fly."

-Nell Autler, in e-mail

What moron let Jewel write video game scripts? Besides, Nell´s wrong, there´s a few more truths in Armored Core 2´s existence. For one thing, there aren´t any birds. There´s a lot of giant mechs, though, and enough technological warefare to make the Battlebots look like shit. Okay, I meant more so. Just me, or is a Battlebot is pretty much a remote control car with a chainsaw crazy glued to it? I mean, yeah, it´s fun to watch, but welding a Phillips-head screwdriver onto an electric wheelchair doesn´t make it battle-ready.

So besides the shortage of Playstation 2´s, there are also a shortage of Playstation 2 games that new owners have actually heard of. A few of the rarities are Tekken Tag Tournament and Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore... and for me that was it. I found a gift certificate given to me by the last surviving black one-eyed lesbian Shaolin Monk and went to buy a game. I was depressed because it was November 14, 2000, and the future president of my country was to be decided by a state shaped like a limp cock, and known for orange juice, Disneyworld, and the elderly.

My friend Bob Olsen mentioned a game called Armored Core 2. I looked at that, Kessen, and Onimusha. While I found the last time I went to Benihana´s, I enjoyed the Kessen very much, and the Onimusha was good, though a little fatty, I chose Armored Core 2.

This game is cool! I´m genuinely impressed, even after the whole ´shoot your load over PS2´s incredible graphics´ phase. (And by the way, the graphics are only shoot-your-load-incredible if you rub the Dual Shock 2 on your genitals while reading porn... uh, sorry about telling you that). I´m not really big on the whole war-effort campaign kind of thing, but damn, this is a fucking cool game!

So check it, you´re a mech pilot in some war (Does it matter? Let´s say the Civil War.) and while the plot is sci-fi cookie-cutter squared (Mars, token evil corporations, cyborg-General-Lee you get the idea.) If you´ve played MechWarrior or something similar, it´s like MechWarrior, except it´s a little more action, a little less simulation. If you´ve played Tomb Raider 2, or something similar, it´s like Tomb Raider 2, except a little more sci-fi, and lot less stupid.

I was in a nighty in that game! That made it worth $40, right? Right? ...um, anyone?

So I guess there was an Armored Core 1. And I guess it didn´t take place on Mars, because this one is ecstatic about advertising the fact that it does. The back of the box proudly states "Mars Awaits...", and "67 years later´ the conflict moves to Mars." Remember the last time you and your friend were deciding on a movie?

"Dude! Red Planet´s gonna be awesome! It has Carrie Ann Moss!"

"Yeah, but it also has Val Kilmer, and he frightens me."

"But it takes place on Mars!!!"

"MARS?!? Why didn´t you say so, idiot?! We´re wasting valuable movie watching time! Let´s see it four times in a row!"

So, maybe I don´t get advertising, but what exactly makes Mars exciting? I´m pretty sure it´s all a lot of red dust, and some broken NASA satellites and shit. Besides, Armored Core 2´s Mars has a sky and lots of buildings and stuff... wait a sec... sky? Buildings?

Oh, this is Mars of the future! I get it! Being I´m not great with future Mars, I asked an expert to help me review this game. Please welcome… Arnold Schwarzenegger from Total Recall! So Quaid, what do you think of the game´s graphics?

Da graffics ah unbeliev-hable!

They sure are! To be frank, it´s tough to tell. Are they awesome now, because this is one of the first Playstation 2 games we´ve seen? Will later games actually make this one look crappy? What do the graphics sound like if they fall alone in the woods? Ah fuck it, they´re awesome. In fact, Arnold put it best! Thanks, dude! I should have asked you to help me do my Dead or Alive 2 review!

You mean you could have put me in da review of da game with da big titties!?! Bwaaah! Agg! Arrrggh! Ahggg!

Ok, dude, I´m sorry. Next time. Anyhow, yeah, what´s also really cool is that the game is totally customizable.

(Danger purple?!?) Change your mech´s name, color, body parts, weapons, even add an emblem for your mech!

Vone time I vas about to kill dis evil guy who made emblems. And I pointed my gun at him and said …… (low voice), "Dis is my emblem. It stahnds for death!". Denn I shot him.

Wow, that´s stupid... Yeah, but the detail is awesome too. For example you can use a boost option on your mech, sort of like afterburners, and the mech actually gets illuminated realistically! Not to mention the fact that you won´t notice that for a good twenty minutes since you´re marveling at the rest of the graphics!

But if Casino Kid for the NES has taught us anything, it´s that fucking unbelievable graphics can´t mask a shitty game.

But that´s okay, because Armored Core 2 still kicks the shit out of a ton of other games! As I´ve told you, you´ve got a mech and you pit it against assorted mech, mech-like, and definitely mechish enemies. And it does a good job. Half the game is blazing by other mechs, firing off missles, boosting onto higher ground, etc. and the other half is strategizing, like where should I hide, and who should I pick off, and does playing this game nude from the waist down really help me react faster? You get the idea.

Strahtegy is okay, but I like to blahst them! When da mechs ah cahming, I like to get ready! I pretend some-bahdy yell ‘Dey´ll be here any minute! DEY KILL YOU AHLL!´

Um...

So while I usually don´t like the in-depth war games, the ones where you go on campaigns, choose theaters, give press conferences to appease those bleeding-heart liberals, etc, Agetec (the creators) have simplified it enough so that it´s basically just choosing one out of two or missions to go on, like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure! If you like this review, continue reading! If you don´t, go fuck yourself! It´s that simple, and it adds to the replay value! Sweet!

Dah replay value is deep! I played dis game in da trailah for Da Six Day! It is about me being cloned, and taking revenge on mah cloners, and shooting them. Bwaaah!

So now the complaints.

Vhy you always complain? D´ahhh! Bwaaah! Dah- eh- arrrggghhh!

In my review of DOA2, I complain about the bad, nonsensical dialogue. Now, we´ve got long monologue e-mails, all written by English speaking writers. I thought that there was no way this game was badly translated from Japanese. Until I watched the whole intro.

OH COME ON! IT´S IN THE INTRO, UP FRONT!!!

Now, the first time I played this game was with my friend... let´s call him Rob. Rob´s not really a video game player – he prefers things like working on his truck and seducing 12 year olds. I mean, his truck looks awesome, and he can explain those felony charges pretty good on job interviews, so I guess Rob´s okay for not playing video games and all.

Rob and I both enjoyed the game (we played in versus mode), but here´s the problem. Let´s say you can´t link up 2 PS2´s (requires 2 PS2s, 2 TVs, and 2 copies of Armored Core. Good luck – you get started on that!). Then your only option is to play split-screen… but some genius decided rather than the old "Player 1 is on top" split-screen, you get a "Player 1 takes up the left half of the screen" version, giving you a grand old 20 to 25 degrees of sight. In other words, if an opponent is in front of you, and slightly to the left, he might as well be invisible. At least it´s kind of cool to stand in front and to the right of your opponent and laugh as he tries to decipher the one pixel dot that represents you on his radar.

With this feeld of vis-hun, I cahn´t see my giant ahms! Waaah! Ahg-aaahhh!

It´s not too bad though. You´ll get over it.

There is one thing I almost can´t forgive. It is the bane of the modern video game player. It drives you to drink. It is the smelly, diareeha-ridden anus of the video game player´s existence. It is something unacceptable on a post-Genesis game system. It is…

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! AGETEC!!!! I KILL YOOOOUUUU! I SLOW YOU DOWN! I SLOW YOU DOWN TO DEATH!!!

Unacceptable - okay, okay, I´ll be fair. I only saw it once, in a wide, detailed open space with TONS of enemies onscreen, and it recovered. Still though. C´mon!

Slowdown drove me to drink! Oh, admit it. If you had to hear yourself mangle the English language as badly as I do, you´d never want to sober again, either!

Okay, everything else is fine. Couple things here and there. Like here´s something we see at the very beginning of loading the DVD.

Well, I´d fucking hope so! What´s the alternative? Drunken leprechauns who love anime conjured this game out of unicorn jizz?

Not enough room to name my mech. I wanted to go with ‘Super Apocalyptinator´ but that wouldn´t fit, so I had to settle on Mechachu. Get it? Mechachu, I choose you! Har har!

My next movie is Pokemon: P2 - Collection Night. POKEMON! HEAR MEEE! I GOTTA CATCH YOU AHHHHLLLLLL!!!!!

But I guess that´s it. Oh, gratuitous screenshot!

(Quick note: To be honest, I didn´t think the Palm Beach ballots were that confusing. I was just insulted that Buchanan was listed that high on the ballot. C´mon!)