"Victory excites me!"

-Ein, after winning the fight.

Oh, I´ll bet it does, you barely-in-the-closet-poorly-named-video-game character, you!

A lot of people I know might call Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore a Tekken rip-off. but I think that´s unfair. It might seem a take-off or even a rip-off of Tekken, at first glance, I grant you. The difference between the two is that Tecmo decided to skip that whole ‘requires skill to play´ thing. I found my moronic ‘mash controller with foot´ strategy actually managed to get me combos. And you know what? I think that´s a good thing.

But here´s the deal, if you love fighting games and bought a Playstation 2, then let´s face it, you´re a freak. Oh, and you probably already own Tekken Tag Tournament. On the other hand, if you´re in a shop in Jersey City after work, and Tekken´s not there, you´ll go with the only game they have, that you´ve ever heard of. Guess who chose option two?

That being said, I love this game. Actually, I hold it in high regards as my first Playstation 2 game. The graphics are beyond unbelievable, and the framerate is perfect. A lot of people complain that there are jaggies. There are jaggies, but you won´t see them unless you (A) actually know what a jaggy is, and (B) are the most anal retentive bastard alive. The game looks beautiful. Period. You´ve never really seen better graphics. Unless you´ve the Face of God behind the Aurora Borealis while fireworks are going off on DVD. That´d be a close second.

The detail is incredible! You can see strands of hair, lips, and even fingernails! Holy Christ, when I first got this game, I was tempted to try to yell to the characters through the screen. Okay, I did, but those pretentious assholes didn´t bother responding! As good old Jar Jar would say:

How wude!

I hope Lucas gives Jar Jar the E-Bola virus in Episode 2. That´d be kinda sweet.

Well at the core, a fighting game is as only as good as its fighters, and Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore (Okay that´s starting to piss me off. I´m calling it Dead or Alive 2.) has a slew of fighters... if 14 is a slew. I don´t know, I think that´s the conversion, but I´m really bad with the metric system. Anything used by the French can´t be that good.

Oh, sorry. Anyway.

Kasumi - Female ninja in captive Fighting Style: Mugen-Tenshin Ninjutsu/Tenjinmon Age: N/A Height: 5'2" Weight: 106 lbs. Nationality: Japanese

Okay, why do video games do this? Who really gives a flying fuck about why the fighters are fighting? Is the story gonna be that riveting? No! She´s a fucking ninja who has a clone, for chrissakes. And could they have fit a few more video game clichés in her description? How about:

And why do video games have to throw the letters X or Z in front of everything? Madden 2001 Football is not gonna get better if it´s Madden 2001 Football X... well, okay, maybe a tad.

The first thing you´ll notice about Kasumi is that she certainly does look 5´ 2", about 106 lbs. and N/A years old. The second thing you´ll notice about her is the look of innocence in her face, tempered by years of harsh training. She is a tragic character, someone to sympathize for, and perhaps her fight is the fight in all of us. You´ll notice her soft eyes betray the fire in her soul!

The third thing you´ll notice is her GIANT BREASTS.

Okay, by modern video game standards, her breasts are more large than giant. Plus ninjas don´t really believe in bras, so she´s all over the place - no, really. It´s comical for awhile, but then you wonder what the hell the developers were thinking. The dual shock controller requires both hands to operate, so what´s the point?

Spoiler alert!!! Like you give a shit!

But what happens at the end? What is the climax of Kasumi´s fight? Tenderly, after the credits we see a mountain with a flower growing out of it. "Home," she says. "I want to go home." Tender. Touching. And nonsense. If you just want to go home why enter a fighting tournament? Just go home! I don´t get in a boxing match to avoid paying tolls! I just go home!!!

Ayane - Kunoichi with murderous intent Fighting Style: Mugen-Tenshin Ninjutsu/Hajinmon Age: N/A Height: 5'2" Weight: 104lbs Nationality: Japanese

Two pounds lighter than her half sister! Boo-ya! And her murderous intent is unmatched! The weird part is that even though she´s in pursuit of Kasumi, when she catches her, she doesn´t kill her. They (surprise surprise) have a fist fight! And at the end of it… um… she leaves Kasumi alone, saying "You run away, Shinobi." Thanks for the plot point! But if I remember Shinobi preferred shiruken to the fists – so he was a wimp. And Kasumi and Shinobi look nothing alike.

Notice the difference? (Besides the giant breasts.)

	Oh sure, Sega doesn´t mind putting me in a game with tons of ninja. But when there´s women involved, I get pushed to the back! Man, Sonic the Hedgehog is gettin´ more bitches than I am!
	Damn straight. Don´t hate the playa´, hate the game.

They´re half sisters, so they should look alike. And she actually does kind of resemble Kasumi – that they got right. They have similar cheekbones, both wear their hair in bangs, and one more thing… what is it that? Oh yeah… they both have GIANT BREASTS.

Tina - Superstar of women's wrestling Fighting Style: Professional Wrestling Age: 22 Height: 5'9" Weight: 115 lbs. Nationality: American

Women´s wrestling? Yeah, sorry, don´t think so. Professional wrestling is mostly folding chairs and pseudo-witty commentary, like "The Rock rocks!" and "Goldberg will kick your ass Goldtastically!" And unless mud wrestling is a lot more martial than it seems, I´d say this is bullshit of a low quality calibre.

And if she´s got super-star status, what´s the next level exactly? Something tells me that she ain´t winning any Oscars with "Here I come!" as her opening line.

One more thing about Tina. GIANT BREASTS. Betcha didn´t see that coming.

Coincidentally, Tina´s father, Bass, is also in the game.

Bass - Professional wrestler Fighting: Professional Wrestling Age: 46 Height: 6'5" Weight: 346 lbs. Nationality: American

Uh huh. He´s got quite the unique method for trying ‘to protect his beloved daughter from getting hurt´. You know what that method is? He tries to BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER. Now that´s good parenting!

And it´s funny he´s trying to teach her about the tough reality of the World Combat Championship, because they´ve both entered the Dead or Alive Tournament. Ugh. Editors? Hello?

Hayabusa - A Super Ninja Aloof Fighting Style: Hayabusa Ninjutsu Age: 23 Height: 5'10" Weight: 154 lbs. Nationality: Japanese

Well, I thought a Super Ninja would have been too into training to be a relaxed person, but Hayabusa is just aloof about it! Strangely enough, while facing the Evil Tengu is described as a suicidal act for any human being, I found the characters in the game were fine with it, and could easily beat Tengu after continuing 46 times.

Ready for this? His first name is Ryu. Ryu Hayabusa. Give you one more hint... this game is made by Tecmo. Figure it out yet?

Aw yeah! It´s Ryu, baby! What´s up now? Well not much. Now the cult of Jaquio is over with, I guess ninjas don´t have as much calling in the world.

Okay, I think that´s enough for right now, don´t you? Here´s something different.

It´s time for the Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore Quiz!

Question 1: Which of these three people is most likely a ninja? (You can answer more than once.) Now think VERY carefully!

Make sure you know who you think the ninja is before advancing. Are you absolutely sure?

Last chance... Okay, now here´s the full screenshots. Look at the last line in each of their descriptions.

Okay. So let me get this straight. The third one is NOT the ninja? A curio shop owner? You´re fucking kidding me, right?

Sorry kids, I didn´t photomanipulate this in any way, shape, or form.

Q2: Here´s another one. What is this object?

1. A grenade.
2. A balloon with a handlebar.
3. A melon.
4. A Turkish doorknob.

And the answer is...

Yep! Apparently this must be one of those Chernobyl melons who apparently love the letter T. I don´t get it. Maybe I need to hit the supermarket more. Or maybe Team Ninja (the game´s designers) do.

And I´m not even gonna bother with the ‘how the hell did I kick someone´s ass and get a melon?´ question.

Q3: What country do you think Leon is from?

1. Jordan
2. Iraq
3. Italy
4. Iran

Guess what?

Italy. Yep. I´d like to say this game makes less sense everytime I play it, but I don´t think I can even say that. This game makes less sense everytime I hear the words ‘dead´ or ‘alive´ in conversation.

	Pussy, where´d you put my fuckin´ turban?
	I dunno, T. I was too busy flying my magic carpet to pay attention.

Q4: Okay. In one stage in Dead or Alive 2, there´s an updraft from a ventilation shaft on the floor. One of Kasumi´s outfits is a school girl uniform, complete with billowly skirt.

See what I mean? Ventilation.

Right now the vent is off...

Okay...

1. They wouldn´t stoop THAT low.
2. Of course they would.

Oh, take a wild fucking guess on this one.

This is why I don´t want women to know I own this game.

Fighting games in general tend to form specific patterns. Like their names don´t make sense and don´t match the game. Examples?

Street Fighter 2, the game that started this whole mess. Well ‘Street Fighter´ implies either I´m gonna be fighting the street, or that I´m a fighter trained on the mean streets. And while I attempted to make Blanka jump up and down on the street, it didn´t seem to be hurting it very much, so I stopped. And the fighters were trained in dojos, the Far East, yoga shrines, and Japanese bathhouses. No streets. What a bunch of bullshit!

How about Mortal Kombat? Well, I guess that´s Kombat amongst mortals. (See, the K makes the game more hip and in-your face, just like Eminem!) Well, it would seem mostly right, except one of the characters is Raiden, the Japanese God of Thunder. Guess what? He´s immortal. So, we were almost there, but once again, Midway screws up, as always.

Okay, and now the current champion, Tekken. Can´t be anything wrong with that name, right? Well, Tekken actually means ‘iron fist´ (I heard). So it´s got to be the epic struggle of people with metal hands and their struggle to use magnets, right? Nope. In fact I´m pretty sure no one has iron fists in the game. More bullshit.

What about Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore?

Well, Dead or Alive implies the characters are either dead or alive. And it´s true! They´re all alive! So far so good. 2? Well that means there has to be a Dead or Alive 1. That checks out. Hardcore? Well, nowadays a Nerf can call itself hardcore (even though it´s fucking foam!), so any video game that employs more than three buttons (unlike Resident Evil Survivor) can certainly do the same. Yep, Tecmo gets it right! And about goddamn time.

Like I said, it´s kind of like Tekken for dummies. Unlike Tekken, the moves make sense, and even if you´ve never played it before, the controls are intuitive enough that you can jump right in. Oh yeah, and the big tits and skimpy outfits mean you´ll have to cover your dual shock in Seran Wrap before your teenage brother decides he wants to play the game alone. One more thing, prepare excuses for your girlfriend, when she sees the game. And consider it a month of being grounded from oral sex. (Unless you´re female, which means you´ll probably be getting more oral sex… or not… I don´t know, I didn´t really plan this well.)

My favorite character in the whole game has to be the final boss, Tengu. Tengu is the stereotype of what happens when you make a video game and don´t quite think everything through. When you are about to face him, the screen shows the word

If you have subtitles turned on, they acually subtitle the giant word. Uh, good one, guys. Next, we see Tengu in the rain. The words

appear and we again see Tengu and expecting something really, really, great we get...

...

Wait, what? Everything´s your delusion? The fuck...?!? Was that supposed to be profound or something? See now, this is why I never did the hardcore drugs. I never have thought that everything was my delusion, and more importantly, I never designed a game where the last boss though that.

And this guy looks like shit! Giant Pinochhio nose, angel wings, really sloppy gut... did someone puke on the character sketches? Yeah, nothing says embodiement of evil like the Vampire Elf version of Santa Claus.

What happens when you get to defeat Tengu and his arsenal of cheap-ass moves? Well, here are some the endings. (Yawn, spoiler alert.)

Zack gets to go snowboarding. Well, that´s a reason to enter a fighting tournament if I ever heard one.

Jann-Lee punches through a tree. He must be a Republican.

Ein finally understands (at least one of us does) and discovers he is really Hayate. Dun dun DUN! I love how everyone´s personal psychological torment gets solved after winning a fighting tournament.

Gen Fu has heard an old saying that says the Nose of the Tengu can cure any sickness. Apparently not mental illness, though, because that´s stupidest thing I´ve heard since sliced bread, as the old saying goes.

Besides chauvinism, Dead or Alive 2 (ok, now that´s starting to annoy me... I´m calling it DOA2) also manages to completely mangle the character´s quotes and make everyone in the game look like blithering idiots. Here are a couple of examples of pre-fight dialogue.

Tina: "Here I come!"

Ayane: "Sorry, I´m not sweet!"

Jesus, I hope those are lesbian overtones on Tina´s part, just for the sake of my sanity! Ayane´s not sweet? Who fucking asked?

Bass: "I won´t have any mercy, even for a beginner."

Ryu: "Make up your mind."

Huh? Make up my mind regarding what? Whether or not to try to understand how the fuck people who spoke English at Tecmo could not have noticed this? I think it would have made more sense if it had gone:

Bass: "Should I have mercy on you, or not? I mean, you are a beginner..."

Ryu: "Make up your mind."

Bass: "Okay, then, I won´t have any mercy, even for a beginner."

See? Much better, though stupider. Using dialogue constructed entirely from actual DOA2 pre-fight and post-fight quotes, I made this sketch, which I call…

"My dinner with the characters from Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore." Trust me, it actually makes MORE sense here than in the game.

Hey Kasumi, pass me the potatoes?

Why?

Because I want fucking potatoes and I can´t reach them.

I have to move on, forgive me...

What are you talking about? Moving on from potatoes? Ugh, forget it. Ayane, pass me the potatoes.

Sorry. I´m not sweet.

Well fuck you then, you whore! Oh and nice purple hair! Where´s the rave, and can you save me some X? Hey narrator, can you pass me some potatoes?

Narrator: "Get Ready. FIGHT!!!

What? That´s all you ever say! Ugh. Jann-Lee? Are you gonna pass me some fucking potatoes?

Don't think, feel!

Thanks. That´s the most motivational fortune cookie statement I´ve ever read. Maybe if you felt less and thought more you wouldn´t say dumb shit like that.

I am the winner!

You sure are. (Quick note to the people at home - he says that before the fight.)

My fist never betrays me!

Thanks, I didn´t need to know about your love life. Forget it, I don´t even want potatoes now.

Make up your mind.

Screw you! Why don´t you go sell some more curios? And what´s with the curio shop deal anyway? You dress like a fucking ninja!

Because I am immature...

Uh huh, thanks. Anyway, so Ein, what do you think of the food?

This feeling... it's coming back!

What feeling? What are you talking about?

I'm coming!

Excuse me?!? Not at this table, you aren´t!

Come.

What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you eggin´ him on for?

Because I am immature...

Jesus, man, all I wanted was potatoes, and now this shit!

Good vibration!

Oh dear Christ, Ein, knock it off! You´re nuts! You better not have touched the sour cream!

You are riDICulous!

That´s telling him, Tengu! Though, I wouldn´t have stressed that syllable.

´Nin´. (He actually says that. Not even in a paragraph, just ´nin´ alone.)

Huh? Yeah, whatever. Zack, pass the meatloaf.

Did ya wait long?

You´re damn right I did.

That ain't right.

It certainly isn´t! Thanks for being the only person here I´ve understood so far.

I love ma self for bein' ma self. (That's the way it's spelled in the subtitles.)

Uh huh. Anyway, about the meatloaf-

I'm Zack!

Am I ever gonna be able to eat? Maybe it´s me. Maybe I don´t understand the Dead or Alive language.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Well thanks. It´s just hard to deal with people whose responses don´t match the statement poised.

I'm Zack!

Forget it, I´m leaving.

Lazybones!

Okay, I think you get the point. Here´s my final synopsis.

If you want to have sex with fighting games, meaning you like them too much, you´d probably be better off with Tekken. If you want to have sex with fighting games, meaning you literally want to have sex with fighting games, get DOA2. Also, if you´re like me and have too much dignity to write long combos on your hand to use when you´re playing the Asian kid at Marvel vs. Capcom 2, then DOA2 is for you. No self-respecting launch-date Playstation 2 owner would be without it. Oh and did I mention the giant breasts?