SLOW BEEF'S ABSOLUTELY RANDOM RANT
Proof positive that Mickey Mouse supports your right to bear arms!
So lately my mother´s been on a big health kick. She´s decided to lose a little weight, and start walking around the block, and stuff. She also decided to eat better. Let me outline her train of thought.
"Hey, I should probably buy some celebrity endorsed product to help me eat healthier. In fact, I should probably buy the all-new fat reducing George Foreman Grill!™" (Exclamation Point trademark of slowbeef.com)
And buy she did! She´s now a proud owner. And if there´s one celebrity who women want to look like, it´s George Foreman!
The box says to "Fight the fat! Not the weather!" What? Who´s fighting the weather? I guess those hicks down south who fire their guns at dark clouds or something. Also you get to "Punch Fat!"
You don´t need a grill for that! Sucker-punch the tech support guy at CompUSA!
Here´s an excerpt from the website:
Health Benefits
You'll never have to cook your meats in a pool of grease again. The run-off grease is carried off into a separate tray by the patented grooves on the George Foreman Grill. You'll have to try it to believe it! You can cook cheeseburgers like the Champ or you may grill vegetables along side your shredded beef for tacos. The possibilities are are endless.
(Who the fuck eats tacos with grilled vegetables?) I can cook cheeseburgers, just like the Champ did! ‘Cause cheeseburgers are just what helped George build his boxing talent! And ´the possibilities are endless´! That´s right! There´s no end to them at all!!! I hear the George Foreman grill can:
Cook burgers!See? Endless possibilities! Wow!!!
Actually, I found this really obscure Boston Channel´s buyer-beware article by doing a search on Google (http://www.thebostonchannel.com/bos/news/buyerbeware/stories/buyerbeware-20000708-034329.html ) said their researchers found no real difference in the George Foreman grill as opposed to other gas grills. They said:
"Though George Foreman sells his grill as a healthy alternative, we couldn't find any real evidence of that. And when we talked to George Foreman's people, they admitted that they make no specific claims about fat reduction."
Oh, no specific claims? Look at this picture:
Maybe I´m no ad expert, but why would you scrunch up the word ´reducing´ like that? It looks like ‘Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine´. In other words, it grills fat really well. Um, okay, but no thanks. And here´s another description of it I found from surprise.com (http://www.surprise.com/likes_dislikes/hates_to_cook/george_foreman_grill.cfm)
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"Description: People are passionate about the George Foreman indoor grill. It's easy to use, easy to clean, and reduces the amout of fat from meat by as much as 30 percent. Just throw on your burgers and close the lid. It´s like making waffles without having to make the batter first." |
Wait a sec... waffles without batter? Does that mean this´ll make burgers without meat? Cool!
Um... no specific claims about fat reduction, huh? What the fuck is that ‘reduces fat from meat by as much as 30%? Okay, everybody – check this out!
Lemme guess. Your cock´s not getting any larger? Well, I didn´t make any specific claims that it would! See my point?
But what the fuck does George Foreman have to do with barbecuing? I´d trust the Emeril Grill, or something, but that´s like the Julie Foudy Dunkin´ Donuts commercial.
Yeah, Julie Foudy is like Co-Captain of the US National Soccer Team or something. And she gives all her players donuts! What a dumbass! Didn´t she realize the John Belushi skit where he eats little chocolate donuts to help him in the Olympics was a joke? Donuts aren´t good for you! Then again, she is pretty hot, so who knows.
Wait a minute... a donut... put in George Foreman´s Grill... would be so fucking healthy, it could get up and kick your ass! A soccer player combined with a boxer can´t be wrong! The Uber-Donut! I get it now!
| I wholeheartedly endorse the George Foreman/Julie Foudy Super Donut. |
Hey Snake, thanks! Now a word from our sponsor.
Hey Snake, you wanna do a plug for your new upcoming Perl Script?
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| Huh? Perl? |
Yeah. You know, CGIs and all that.
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| Huh? Know? |
Forget it. (Dumbass.)
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| Oh yeah! |
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