Before I do the review, let me get on a side note here.
It´s December 12, 2000. Still no president. The country is divided politically. I am announcing that I, Mike ‘Slow Beef´ Shanky can bring it back together. A video game with lots of blood and guts. I´m serious.
If there´s one thing that can unite Republicans and Democrats, it´s hatred of violent video games. You´ve heard of Midway, the makers of Ready 2 Rumble (See! It all ties together! Slow Beef never lets you down!) in the news a few years back. They made that really crappy fighting game called Mortal Kombat that we all loved because you got to kill your opponent at the end. Well Republican Senator Orrin Hatch and Democratic Senator Joseph Liebermann (I think you might have heard of him) decided they weren´t having that. Oh, let Schwarzenegger rip off Richter´s arms and proudly announce, "See you at da party!" but God forbid a fucking ninja rip out someone´s spinal column.
They´re ninja, people. That´s what they´re supposed to do. If ninjas were passive-aggressive, and preferred to cover their victim with giant ‘Censored´ blankets before pushing their eyeballs through the holes in their penises, they´d totally suck. And I know you wouldn´t dare think ninjas suck.
 | Don´t listen to Slow Beef. I´m really just a big sweety! |
Were kids going to play Mortal Kombat? Yep. Were they gonna rip out each other´s spines? Maybe on planet Krypton, but back here on Earth, not fucking likely. But no, Hatch and Liebermann decided that was too much of a risk to take. So while they failed miserably at censoring Mortal Kombat, they managed to instate the ESRB – which rates video games on the worst scale you could ever imagine. For example, they deemed Parasite Eve had sexual content because the word ‘sperm´ was mentioned… in a scientific context, no less. And they weren´t talking about sex. Way to rate, morons. I heard the ESRB said Baby Geniuses had a lot of sexual content because someone might have had sex to make the babies.
The funny part is that now that there´s a rating system, game designers feel safe in making games more violent than ever. Good job, Superfriends Hatch and Liebermann! Now go sit on the bench with Aquaman, you useless fucking morons.
 | I have total confidence in the team of Al Gore and myself. I also ran for senator as well as vice president. It seems hypocritical, but I actually did that for the sole purpose of fucking with YOU. |
 | I resent being associated with the ESRB. At least I can talk to shrimp! |
Well, Midway fucked up Mortal Kombat 3 and 4, so you probably know them for their wacky sports titles, like NBA Jam and NFL Blitz. Midway does a cool job of throwing realism out the window and going straight for fun. Now they take on boxing. If they should have learned one thing from Mortal Kombat it´s the following – don´t follow this formula for making fighters.
Template Fighter + One Extra Move = Wholly New and Original Fighter!
No. It doesn´t work that way. Chun-Li and Guile had a lot of different moves. Hence, it made sense to bother deciding between them. Mortal Kombat Ninjas fight the same as Mortal Kombat Movie Stars and Mortal Kombat Thunder Gods. It´s basically, do you want a ninja with ice, or a ninja with a spear? Thanks, assholes. (Amazingly, the country didn´t have much trouble choosing Sub-Zero. If Gore and Bush had just worn ninja masks, we could have avoided this whole mess.)
Well Midway´s got Sport Game experience and Fighting Game experience. So, they should have learned from accomplishments and mistakes, right?
In your dreams, motherfucker.
Look, first of all, I´m completely sober while playing this game and I´m not really sure what the hell I´m doing. I mean, I´m boxing, I know what the buttons do, but I can´t really get the whole ‘fighting well´ thing down. In Dead or Alive 2 and Tekken, the combos weren´t that hard to figure out, and there was enough variety to… well… do more than one thing at a time. This is like boxing without arms, and only a boxing glove taped limply to your head. Yeah, you get a good shot every now and again, but suddenly you start thinking – why am I doing this? Is it even possible to do well in this game? Were my friends just fucking with me when they said this was a wicked high?
Just like being buttfucked by your uncle, you want to have fun playing Ready 2 Rumble, but it feels so unnatural and anus-swelling that you have no choice but to go ‘Eh.´ and go back to Dead or Alive 2 or drinking scotch and watching Comedy Central.
The game´s characters were creatively designed, though. You get about 8 male boxers, 2 female boxers, 1 fat boxer, 1 fat female boxer, 1 robot, and 4 celebrities. The good celebrities too! Michael Jackson, Shaquille O´Neill, and Bill and Hillary Clinton!
 | Oh, now all the children get to play with me! Use your joysticks, kids! |
Now Midway didn´t make all the boxers exactly the same like in Mortal Kombats 1-3. They modified the moves enough that they all look like they´re attacking differently. It´s just too bad that they now all fight clumsily, but in a different way. It´s like the cheerleaders on the Saturday Night Live sketches. Yeah, the sketches are all different in their own way, but they still all make you want to urinate on your TV.
Hey, speaking of the whole election/rule of law thing:
Video Game Law #323: In a video game with a fighting context, at least one black fighter must exhibit some amount of rhythm and/or soul.
Well, it´s true! Dee-Jay from Super Street-Fighter 2, Tiger from Tekken, Zack from Dead or Alive 2, and Afro Thunder from Ready 2 Rumble. In the Playstation World, black guys kick ass and bust out a couple of moves afterwards. The token black guy thing is bad enough, but making him a dancer? Thank God Al Sharpton doesn´t play anything but Game Boy.
 | Here me brothers and sisters. Pokemon Gold and Silver have been released, and it is our civic duty... to catch them ALL! |
Here´s a couple more fighters I think should have been in the game.
 | Drunky McPotagold. "Aye, I´d be able to kick your ass if I could ever put down this bottle of whiskey!" |
 | Pancho Amigo. "Hey, after I knock you out, I´m gonna sneak into America with cocaine up my ass, and refuse to work!" |
 | Won Pu Tang. "Me want to box, and me love you long time!" |
It´s the nineties people! Oh wait a sec... It´s the zeroes people! Racial stereotypes aren´t acceptable, unless in the context of a stand-up comedy routine!
Frankly, I thought the breast jiggling in Dead or Alive 2 was bad, but Ready 2 Rumble Round 2 (Christ, that´s annoying to type.) puts them to shame. What do I mean? Well, in DOA2, Kasumi's breasts practically move independent of her body, but Selena Strike and Lulu Valentine from this game - Jesus, their tits are practically characters on their own. I wanted to get an .AVI from the jump rope training in Championship Mode, but frankly, I felt too dirty.
Oh, and that reminds me! Championship Mode is stupid! To add variety to the game, Midway gives you an RPG-ish side game where play a variety of mini-games to improve your characters´ stats before a title fight. It sounds like an okay idea in concept, except the games are so simplistic, that it just ends up being a chore. Like the jump rope and Rumble Aerobics are pretty much Parappa the Rapper and Bust A Groove, minus the ingenuity.
Plus there´s one called Rumble Pads, which was really complicated and probably took a long time to make. These wooden pads with Playstation controller button symbols pop up onscreen. You press the corresponding buttons. That´s it.
Please, I´m begging you, Midway. You´re one of the biggest American developers of console games! Knock this shit off! No more! If a mini-game can be a Java Applet that Helen Keller could write, don´t make it! Just a tiny modicum of effort! Too much to ask?
Do you know who Michael Buffer is? I´ll tell you. You´ve certainly heard the expression, "Let´s get ready to ruuuuuuuummmmmmble!!!!" Well, Michael Buffer´s the guy who says it. Constantly, in this game, as in real life. Yes, I want to kill him too. Well, you get to pound the shit of him in the game! As the last boss, Michael Buffer transforms into RUMBLEMAN!!!
Um, who the fuck is Rumbleman? God only knows. Apparently, he´s a giant boxing monster. Kind of like Mike Tyson at the end of Mike Tyson´s Punch-Out!!!, except without the rape and cannibalism thing.
 | I hate Little Mac! I´m gonna tear his head off! I´m gonna eat his children´s souls! Who the fuck you looking at, white boy?!? |
Look, Ready 2 Rumble Round 2 was a worthy attempt, it´s not a terrible game... it´s just kind of boring. Even though I rented this for four days, I really only played it for two. Yeah, the graphics were awesome, but it just didn´t grab my attention. You might enjoy it, but I really don´t think it´s worth more than a rent. And now, some screenshots!
 | Shame. The amount of time spent on the boxers could have been spent making the audience look like more than cardboard cutouts. |
 | Shame. The amount of creativity spent on Robox could have made this game good. |
 | Dan!!! Tell DJ and Becky to get their butts dressed now! |
 | Lllllllllleet´s get ready to kick-the-shit-out-of-this-asshole-and-his-repetitious-catch-phraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase! |
 | This is Lulu Valentine, practicing her Rumble Aerobics. She´d be kind of hot if it weren´t for her gigantic mutant hands. |
