Now, ladies and gentlemen, Vice President Albert Rodriguez Gore, and Texas Governer Georgie Wal-Mart Bush, Jr.

Now Vice President Gore, by coin-toss, the first question is to you. Have you ever played Resident Evil: Nemesis?

First up, I´d like to give a shoutout and gratitude to all of my peeps who set this up. Of course I played Resident Evil: Nemesis. I invented the Playstation! In fact RE: Nemesis is what inspired me to put social security in what I call a lockbox.

Not exactly, Jim. It´s metaphorical. The box would be imaginary.

May I inter-

What I meant is that Social Security would untouchable for distribution on other federal spending programs. The lock is my word. Trust me. Social security won´t get spent. Really! Scout´s Honor!

Huh? Oh, yeah... uh... I´ve also played the game. I like killing the zombie dogs best-

May I just say that I love all animals, including zombie dogs?

Oh sorry (snicker).

Uh… where was I? Oh yeah. But shooting the zombie dogs inspired me to allow people to privatize their social security. So I hope they´ve played "Wall Street Kid" for the Nintendo Entertainment System, because if they haven´t – well, they´re screwed.

May I make a point?

When I was playing Bust A Groove with Tipper the other day, I commented on how I wanted her to dress up like Freida. That´s all.

I agree with my opponent-

And by agree, I mean completely disagree. Kelly was the hot girl from Bust A Groove.

Yeah. I did. Resident Evil games… that is, Resident Evil games tend to be a lot like Resident Evil games, in which you must shoot Resident Evil games with a gun with limited ammo. Now I question my opponents´ ability to save his ammo for fights with the Nemesis and his over-use of Ink Ribbons – which limit the number of times you can save the game-

May I make a point here?

Let me tell you about my opponent´s plan for beating Resident Evil: Nemesis. For every one bullet fired at a zombie, he spends three more to finish it off. For every three bullets found in a clip, he uses five more to dissuade the evil plant creatures. For every two bullets in a fifteen-round magazine, and every four magazines in an ammo box, he spends two green herbs-

I´ve never used green herbs! I like the white ones-

To purchase a train traveling east. For every mile out of a kilometer this train goes, the lockbox loses every four dollars for one dollar put into it. Let´s say Train B is traveling west at 55 mph-

That´s just fuzzy math.

I am so glad you asked that question, Jimmy. I´d like to state that I am my own man, and yes, I appear in Resident Evil: Nemesis. I play a woman named Jill Valentine who wears a halter top and a miniskirt. Oh wait, in the game, I play Zombie number three. In fact, I invented zombies! With Umbrella Coporation! To resolve this matter, I told them both that I appear in the game subliminally and that was good for the campaign.

Actually, I think you mean, subli- oh shit, never mind. Yeah I like my opponent´s position on the matter which is to say I hate it. I mean… (blank stare)… uh, what was the question?

May I say something, Jim?

I´d like to remind everyone that Texas leads the country in undead zombies and pollution.

There´s that fuzzy math again.

More of that Washington fuzzy math.

Can I use a lifeline?

I´d like to Phone A Friend.

(audible sigh)

Miss Cleo, from the Psychic Friends Network.

Hello?

How are ya Jim?

Okay, if Raccoon City were to be overtaken by zombies, would I:

1. Send in the military?
2. Ask the Russians for help?
3. Don a halter top, miniskirt, and 9mm and start blasting?
4. Execute a convict to make myself feel better?

Well, look here. De four a´ wands tells me ya don´ know nuttin´ ´bout zombie huntin´. But ya combine de green ´urb wit´ da red ´urb to make a powerful ´urb.

I know about that! I invented the red herb!

De King of Cups scares me. It tells me ya boyfrien´ no be respectin´ ya. Da police are watchin´ ´im now. I don´ wancha near dis man.

I thought that was the case. Rafael is a nice guy when you get to know him, but…

Now da seven ah´ swords tells me ya like da zombies-

Are ya havin´ de affair wit´ de zombies?

Why yes I am!

AHAHAHA! YA TELL ME TA WATCH OUT FAH DA ZOMBIES, AND I SHOULD BE WATCHIN´ OUT FAH YOU!!!

No. I´d use the Russians first.

Really? That´s interesting! Because the Russians have already supported the zombies, you dolt!

Well, obviously if the Russians don´t want to help-

Well, they don´t!

Well, maybe if the previous administration had done anything about the zombies, we wouldn't be in this mess. So boo-yah yourself, player-hater.

I never said that. I said the graphics were ´fairly good, and the zombies were extremely similar, to the point of being exact clones, as the ones from Resident Evil 2.´ Furthermore, I think the graphics are a veritable "secure container" of pixels. A not-un-locked cube if you will.

I agree. That is to say, I don´t. The problem is not the graphics, it´s that Resident Evil 3 is more of the same. Capcom isn´t innovating. This is just like Megaman 7, which was the same as Megaman 6.

On the issue of military force to fight zombies-

I would certainly use military force in the case of things like genocide. Not for, say oil prices.

The problem I see is that the previous administration has done nothing about zombies.

Let me repeat. If Iraq were overrun with zombies, I´d use force. If they only wanted to raise oil prices, I wouldn´t risk lives.

Okay. But Clinton´s never addressed…

(sigh) Once more, if THE GULF WAR were about zombies it would have been good. If it were about oil, which it was, I´d have called the President at the time a moron.

Yes, but Medicare-

I´m calling your father a moron, George. A moron.

Medicare is the sole reason-

Christ, forget it.

Well, I´d like to say I respect my opponent´s views on this matter, even if I don´t agree with them.

I also love the governor´s view, even if I think it sucks. So much so that I dream of showering with him, but wearing boxer shorts. White ones.

I agree with my opponent´s view of me in the shower wearing white boxer shorts. So much so, that I favor a tax cut that would allow me to afford to receive hot anal from the Vice President.

Well, Jim, while the Governor´s proposed tax cut will only benefit the top 1%, I´d like to add that I´ve had a recent fantasy of licking his feet while Tipper takes pictures.

God no.

Absolutely not.

Hmmm... well I love the Resident Evil series. So much so that I won´t mind playing through another. Even though the innovations in it were pretty crappy.

Too violent! And too repetitious! I need a character who can move faster and blast more undead people!