The game´s protagonist, Ark, begins with this riveting statement of inspirational wisdom.
I´m a big fan of the Resident Evil Series, though I think by Part 3 I´d had enough. I saw Resident Evil: Survivor in a Blockbuster and thought, what the hell? Well I wish I'd thought, "Why the hell would I waste $5.00 on this crap." I mean, it all sucked. No, really: all of it.
Let´s talk graphics. When there´s no beautiful pre-rendered backgrounds (unlike the original Resident Evils) you gotta cut down on graphics. So it was fortunate that everybody in this new town likes hexagonal lampshades, has rectangular legs, and enjoys plain colors. And that every third zombie happens to be wearing the same clothing and look exactly alike. Certain parts look great though, like whenever Ark questions his memory, or when B.B. curses out the group for not building the shelter correctly and of course, Rudy´s sexier than ever.
"I don´t know if I´ve made it clear... just, uh... I´m straight. I like Rich, he's a cool guy, but the whole filthy queer thing... I dunno...I mean I´ve felt safe dropping soap for the past 52 years.... uh..." (Click on the picture to find out why I think Rudy doesn't have too much to worry about.) |
 |
Capcom´s proud of the sound. So much so, you are instructed at the beginning thusly:
"THIS GAME CONTAINS SCENES OF EXPLICIT VIOLENCE AND GORE. For best sound quality, use headphones!"
Um... okay. I won´t be doing that, but thanks.
The music is wonderful in the sense that if you were somehow holding it on LP while receiving oral sex under a sky full of fireworks, laying on a pile of tons of money, it would be wonderful. Otherwise it kind of sucks. Plus the theme song from the Survivor soundtrack, which must be the most fucking stupid ass repititious remix of "In the Jungle the Lion Sleeps Tonight" is intact, but if you´re wearing headphones, then it´s like you´re actually IN THE FUCKING GAME, MAN!!!
Control sucks. Period. Half the buttons don´t really do anything. Triangle and X shoot, L2 requests to join the Tagi Alliance, and start brings up your inventory. I couldn´t find the "hit on Colleen" button, but when I found out that her legs were pretty much undead, I stopped looking. For a second or two.
 |
"Don't worry! Those naked pictures of me have to be somewhere on the Internet! Just keep looking!" |
Besides that, here´s a problem. Ark is retarded. Let´s say a zombie is coming at you. In real life, you´d turn tail and sprint in less than a second. Ark takes three seconds to turn 180 degrees, and then ten more to slowly walk away down the hall. By the time you turn to raise the gun, you´re in the exact same position you were previously in. That blows.
Although the instructions say the up´ part of the Playstation controller means Forward/Run´, Ark prefers Forward/Leisurely Stroll´. Nothing enhances horror and revulsion in an island full of zombies like being hounded by Jeff Probst (who´s so fucking calm, he cannot possibly have a soul) and being unable to walk faster than a 70 year old woman having a stroke.
Strangely enough, when Ark sees his first dead body, he´s okay with that. Just searches him and moves on. When he sees his first zombie, he raises the gun and opens fire. Me, I´d at least given a "Holy fuck! It´s a zombie!" before shooting. In fact, probably not even just the first time. Maybe I drink too much coffee... oh no wait, it´s because the writers are idiots.
Let´s talk fun-factor. If you like blasting zombies!!!... very, very slowly... then go for it! Or solving completely realistic puzzles ("Gee, that last clock didn´t have a Clock Winder´... but this one does. I bet if I wind this clock, a secret set of stairways will open... Yes! I was right!"). Or figuring out how to get around the fact that Sean thinks Fat Naked Fag is hysterical, and uses that excuse to avoid thinking about who he´s gonna vote for.
"So, I decided, everybody trusts a neurologist. But that wasn´t funny enough. So I got pissed on Peach Schnapps and got a nipple ring. Now, Neurologist with Nipple Ring! That´s fucking funny!" (Click here for a picture of Sean with his Super Pole 2000. Gee, this shouldn't be too hard to photomanipulate...) |
 |
Challenge? Plenty! The challenge? Stay awake! It´s like a camera dolly moving away from zombies in slow motion. Watch as Ark struggles with amnesia, and the fact that Susan thinks his whole shooting zombies thing is a waste of time, and he should be hunting for tapeoica. Plus, try to get used to the fact that your name is Ark.
Let´s face it. You know anyone named Ark? You know any mythological characters named Ark? No? Ever had any fucked up dreams about someone named Ark? No? An acid trip? Hmmm... why is that... oh yeah - because it´s a stupid fucking name.
To be honest, let´s talk about the challenge - specifically, enemy AI. They have this cool feature called sympathy. Sometimes, when they get too close to Ark, they feel kinda bad for him and decide not to attack. So Ark can back off, where they decide to attack him again or stand still and shoot them. Now that´s challenging.
Furthermore, you want to beat this game? Just win all the immunity challenges. It´s not hard, because Ark´s the only person on the island with a gun. Shoot Jeff and move on.
 |
"The toughest part of my job was in the final four, when we had our first tie. It was always my job to say This one´s for immunity´ and Sue, is there an alliance?´ and Okay, I´m gonna tally the votes.´ Unfortunately, once I counted the votes and found it was a tie, I broke into a cold sweat. What to do now? So I made the bastards re-vote and they let Ark through because he threatened to shoot them." |
I hate the amnesia by-line. Why doesn´t Ark have a driver´s license? Because that would have made the writers actually have to think. And I guess there was too much spent on marketing the old man with the fucked up eyes on the magazine covers to have hired... I don´t know, competent, writers.
And it gets worse. At one point, Ark finds a pay phone ringing. When he answers it, he reports: "The phone hang up."
Didn´t we pass this point awhile ago? Was letting one person who spoke English look at the script that hard? Even a janitor with a severe head injury? Lewis Black says: "C´mon, people, enough is enough!"
Remember playing Doom or Quake where your character was fast, could strafe, and run, and literally run circles around moronic, slow, dim-witted enemies? It´s kinda the reverse now. And believe me, it´s no fun when you can do nothing but turn and walk. Jesus Christ, Stephen Hawking is more mobile than this asshole!
"You´ve obtained Manhole Opener."
Thanks, shitheads. What do I use it on?
 |
"I´d like to obtain a manhole opener!" |
Never mind. This next excerpt is actually from the Game:
Description of Handgun C:
"M8000 Cougar G
This gun is famous for its excellent precision thanks to its Rotating Barrel blow back action."
Uh, okay. I found the Rotating Barrel blow back action to be the same as the Twisting Holster Monkey Action as Handgun A. Thanks a lot. More from the game: here´s a diary excerpt from a diary you find in prison:
"16 days have passed since I was abducted on a street in Congo by the men in black and was brought here. I didn´t understand what was happening at first but I gradually became aware of the truth of this city."
Yep, he's from Congo but fortunately he speaks great English. Him and his friends from different countries are abducted by Umbrella (again, great name) and shuffled to a jail. Then they are brought to the nightclub or arcade to have fun. Then they get sent to a factory to get their brains cut out. So the Congonese kid, fortunately, is a brilliant military strategist and splits the kids into - I kid you not - Unit A and Unit B. Both units are to escape.
...
Who the fuck- WHAT?!? This is like watching interpretive dance underwater! Or a Pokemon video with audio from the Family Ties episode where Skippy asks out Malerie!
And then Gervase gets the most racist tratment of all! When the other survivors win reward challenges, they get stuff like a spear and snorkel, or a barbecue, or the ability to not get voted off even though there are more capable people on the island. When Gervase wins it, he gets a slice of pizza and a phone call! Prisons give out better rewards!
"So who do I call? My girlfriend who just had one of my children? Or Miss Cleo from the Psychic Friends Network? It´s a tough call - Miss Cleo´ll help me answer my questions, but..." |
 |
The puzzles are terrible. After finding out which way to rotate the trivia cube, Ark finds a movie projector. And film in the same room. So what do you do? Here´s a hint. Film goes in projectors. Here´s another one. Pick up the film and put it in the projector. Here´s another hint. Touch the film to take it and touch the projector to put it in. Last hint: Make sure to touch the film first.
Done. Puzzle solved. And I swear to you, that´s the toughest one.
Okay, now my biggest problem with the game, or with any game. Dogs are the toughest enemy. Why? Two reasons. They are fast. The other reason? Dogs tend to stay low to the ground. ARK CAN´T LOOK DOWN. Which means if a dog is tearing up your leg - oh well, that´s a shame. Simply point the gun downwards like in real life? Nope, sorry. Can´t look down.
And, holy fuck, it gets worse! As a secret in Resident Evil 2, there´s this big-ass scary guy in a trench coat who stalks you and tries to kill you. He´s really cool. Here he sucks. Why? Well let´s say he´s right next to you. He´s about to punch. Here´s what you do. Step back. He´ll miss. Keep shooting. You´ve killed him. Christ, this game is terrible.
And even worse, when Richard wants to get naked on his birthday, it just gets more disgusting. Shoot. Don´t even wait. Shoot.
 |
"I think it´s hysterical how everyone´s starting to strategize now and I´ve done it from the get go. Did I mention I thought of this alliance thing from the start? No? Well I did. From the start. And it´s pathetic people are only thinking of it now. Really pathetic. I mean, from the beginning, I thought to myself, "Hey, I bet a voting alliance would really help out!" And now people are saying, "Hey let´s form an alliance!" I mean, I came up with this whole concept..." |
Now let´s look at a good enemy. The hunters. They´re these lizard guys who move really fast and can kill you in one hit (sometimes). How do you beat them? Simple. Pray. You´re slower and you don´t aim very well. Just back up and pray. Or run.
See, that´s your problem. You suck. That´s okay. So does this game.
Final thoughts? Maybe Susan can put it best.
"Resident Evil: Survivor. You used your product license to try to sell something that should have been scrapped in Alpha tetsing. You will not get my vote. In fact, if I were to ever see you in life, dying of thirst in the desert, I would not give you the sweat off my left tit. Instead, I would let the vultures do what they will to you. Oh, and I have no ill regards toward you." |
 |
