I guess opposed to all those racers with self-esteem problems who just came for a nice drive in the city.
Okay, I am now in revision 3 of this review, and my opinion has changed twice.
The central problem with reviewing Ridge Racer V is the tendency to compare it to Gran Turismo. Believe it or not, they´re apples and oranges. Okay, they both involve racing so I guess it´s more like apples and potatoes, when you hold your nose and bite them, then you can´t tell the difference, and then realize it´s kind gross to be eating raw potatoes like some cheap Russian mail-order bride.
PSM gave Ridge Racer Type R the edge in its Top Ten Games of 1999. Ridge Racer got fourth place and Gran Turismo got sixth, leading my friend Salsa Shark to state, and I quote:
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These guys are idiots! I mean Gran Turismo is obviously number one! |
Keep in mind, neither of us actually played Ridge Racer before.
In my second revision of this page, I had said you can´t compare them. In fact, I had said:
´So, now, I say you can´t compare them. Gran Turismo is meant for racing game enthusiasts. I once successfully used Final Fantasy VII and Bushido Blade to convince an ex-girlfriend to buy a Playstation, lather herself up in baby oil, and let a Doberman lick peanut butter off her feet. Um... okay, the Playstation part´s actually true. The latter stuff involved Peach Schnapps and a gun. And okay, maybe it was actually the other way around. Whatever.
Anyhow, what I´m getting at is this. It´s tough to make people who aren´t into video games play them, and it requires games that are NOT Gran Turismo. See, Gran Turismo is a tough game. It involves practice, discipline, and an interest in cars and racing. Mostly an interest in cars and racing. Don´t have that? Stay away. Far away.´
Correction. You can compare them. Ridge Racer attempts to take on the throne. And they have tactic, which somehow, is simultaneously clever, yet stupid.
Clever: In real life, a lot of physical nuances between horsepower, torque, or techniques like drafting, and oversteer, are tough to emulate correctly. Overexaggerate them!
Stupid: Um... overexaggerating realism makes it unrealistic. Actually, maybe you should forget the clever part.
Also, this is weird... you have to earn realism in the game. You can´t draft (race behind an opponent´s car to exploit a column of lower air resistance, thus allowing faster acceleration - thank you Bill Nye) until you beat the standard Grand Prix. Like when Newton had to earn gravity by climbing Mount Olympus or something. (See what Catholic school education teaches you?)
Look, here´s a good example. You fuck up an oversteer in Gran Turismo, you spin out, hit the wall, and lose enough respect to be disowned by your family. You do it in Ridge Racer, you lose 20 MPH and get it back pretty quick. Then again, completing a race in Gran Turismo in first place is like graduating from Princeton. Both aren´t that hard, and both will make you look too preppy for normal women to want to have sex with you.
Er... I´m losing the point here. To make it though, I have to look elsewhere.
Gran Turismo is like masturbating with a time limit. It´s tough, yes, but the challenge is with yourself. It´s all about how well you can drive. The computer opponents really aren´t that good, and since the programmers were too tired after making the car wash, you´re allowed to enter the 1984 Station Wagon Cup with a tricked-out Dodge Viper, so racing can be a complete joke at times.
Ridge Racer, on the other hand, is like having sex with the slutty girl/guy from biology. You have to have great sex, because you´re doing it relation to other racers. It´s pretty much always challenging, because the enemy AI is good, and proves to be somewhat difficult. Do it well, or your high school will know what a small dick/er... bad? vagina you have? God, that didn´t work out well. I really gotta work on that whole ´metaphor´ thing.
What I´m saying is, in Gran Turismo, you know in the first few minutes whether or not you´re going to win, lose, or have a challenge. Ridge Racer manages to make all the races somewhat interesting.
But in the end, Gran Turismo is the ultimate racing game. Plus it´s got real cars you´ve heard of. But, like I said, the two are harder to compare than you think. Gran Turismo makes you feel like some moronic psychopath who thinks if he plays the game enough he/she can be a race car driver. Ridge Racer makes you feel like you´re a loser wasting your life playing video games, but it´s got good texture sampling, so six to one, half a dozen to the other, really.
Ah, who am I kidding? If you can only buy one, you´re an idiot for not getting Gran Turismo. Chances are, you can somehow squeak together enough cash to get two, so the question really is - will Ridge Racer V tide you over until Gran Turismo 3? Yes and no.
Yes, in the sense that´s it´s a racing game, and if you choose a car with ´bad´ handling (you´ll see what I mean later), it´s a fun experience. And the graphics are simply unbelievable. But Gran Turismo it ain´t.
Ridge Racer V is meant to be fun. You´ll never feel like a real race car driver, but to be honest, if Gran Turismo actually made you feel that way, you´re pretty dumb. The framerate on RRV is enough to make it feel like you´re actually going over 150 MPH (and by the way, more so than Gran Turismo ever did) and the babyish controls are actually fun - if you choose a car with ´bad´ handling. (Again, I restate that because it´s important later). Anyhow, to compare Ridge Racer fairly, may I present, the real Election 2000...
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Did someone say election? I´m confident that Ridge Racer is better than Rad Racer, and I´ll take on anyone who says otherwise. |
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Anyone, chad boy? |
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Bring it, bitch. Nader and AA can´t save you here. |
Um... okay... As long as you guys are here, let´s make this interesting. I´m going to review Election 2000 along with the other games.
Ridge Racer V: Absolutely amazing. This is proof that Namco really knew what they were doing. All the cars look amazing, and give off smoke effects, realistic lighting, and particle systems - like sparks flying off the side. Wow.
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Only a complete and utter moron, like my opponent, could contend a 128-bit Playstation 2 game would even defecate near an 8-bit Nintendo game. |
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Hey Al, there´s only one finger here. Need a recount? |
Rad Racer: Unfair to compare 2D to 3D? Maybe. But push ´select´ and the game is suddenly 3D!!! You have to wear those stupid red and blue glasses so that the car looks like it´s two inches off the screen if you squint really hard. Uh... okay, fuck it.
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(Oh, shit.) Well... the graphics... uh... I hope my opponent isn't implying I'm a hard hearted person! |
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Good cover, loser. |
Election 2000: How many ways can NBC rotate the phrase "Deathmatch for the White House."? Way too many.
Election 2000: ´Dimpled chad.´ ´Appeal.´ ´Electoral College.´ Not a chance in hell.
Ridge Racer V: Ok, the eurotrash songs suck. And the DJ of 76.5 FM WRIDGE (creativity at its finest!) is annoying and stupid. If you pass a car, or vice versa, you get "Wow!", "What´s with that guy?" or "Oh, that´s tight!" which all sounds like things you can say in an orgy. The rest is dead air, and your sarcastic inner monologue when the DJ says "Stay tuned for more racing action."
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Now my opponent will claim that Nintendo´s bleeps and blops even come close to stereo. No way. Ridge Racer. Hands down. |
Rad Racer: Three bad songs. And the engine sounds were made by putting baseball cards in the spokes of a bicycle. No, really. But you know what? You can turn the bad music off.
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Back in Texas, we had a saying. Even the deaf can ride mechanical bulls. Get my point? |
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Oh my God, I can´t believe I lost to you. |
Ridge Racer V: I don´t get it. Cars which claim to have better handling can hug corners better. But when you attempt to drift through a turn, they act as if viciously slapped by the Hand of God. And the opposite hold true. So cars which are supposed to have bad handling, actually manage to navigate slides better... er... wait a minute... this is confusing. I feel like I´m steering with a dismembered lobster claw and a nail gun when it comes to cars that are supposed to handle ´well´. Choose the harder cars, and you´ll actually have an easier time.
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I challenge my opponent´s experience with lobster claws and nail guns. Wait, that didn´t work before... let´s see... Every racer must count. We must count all the racers. Even if The Count of Sesame Street races, we must count him. |
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We already counted the racers four times by machine. |
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What?!? Wait, what are we talking about? |
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I don´t know. I´m reading off the teleprompter. |
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You got a tele-?!? Oh, forget it. |
Election 2000: Well, let´s see. No matter what MTV tells you, the electoral college chooses the president, so no, your vote really doesn´t count. Just pray they´re still chicken shit enough to follow the popular vote. And the day they don´t, you´ll probably be too lazy to even write a letter. Control sucks.
Rad Racer: You turn. If it´s a tight turn, you´re pulled outside. Brake to correct that. Easy and simple.
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As long as you´re sober. So kids, don´t drink and drive. |
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Cough cough. |
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Oh, you´re a broken record, robot-boy. |
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We at CNN announce that we certify Election 2000 to be the better racing game. |
Uh... okay.
Election 2000: This was actually really innovative! Make the candidates so hard to choose between, that we go from a 1-day ordeal to a 35-day ordeal! Even worse, get to hear your Republican friends say dumb things like, "No! Bush understands what he´s talking about! Even Ben Franklin used a teleprompter... badly..." and your Democrat friends say things like, "Man, Bush is ugly." Then hear your Republican friends reply, "No! Gore´s uglier." Then, "Nuh uh. Bush." Then cry because it appears Santa Claus supports the reform party and it´s 2 AM and you´ve lost all idea of what the hell you were talking... ahem, anyway...
Rad Racer: In it´s day, Rad Racer had quite the innovation: a racing game!!!
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Yawn. Cheney, start the transition to Rad Racer. |
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Uh... what the hell are you talking about? |
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Set up my Nintendo, you fat, unhealthy bitch! |
Ridge Racer V: Made up cars and engines? Include a racing engine that´s like Gran Turismo with diapers? Get to choose white or blue cars? Well, it´s innovative anyway.
Wait! I have an update: You can actually earn innovation!!! (What the fuck? Why do I have to earn everything?!? This is like, ´What? You think the sixty dollars you paid entitles you to a good game? Ha! You gots ta earn it!!!´) On beating the Standard GP, I get to change my car´s colors however I want from body to decals - unlike Gran Turismo. Less realistic, but cooler.
Ridge Racer V: Ai Fukumi. She´s in the intro. When they only show her silhouette in the options screen, it looks like a real person. I´m not kidding. Of course in normal light, she looks as computer generated as ASCII.
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Crikey. Nerd Alert! |
Rad Racer: Weird pixel girl. She steals your car at the end. What a bitch.
Election 2000: Greta Van Sustern. Okay, so, I´d do her.
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Yeah, me too. |
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She´s pretty hot. |
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Leave me alone. |
Cocky bitch! Just for that, you lose the point Election 2000 could have gotten!
Election 2000: Oh come on. This election sucked all around.
Ridge Racer V: Ridge City´s tracks are surprisingly similar. Most are just previous tracks with an extra section thrown on. That kinda sucks.
Rad Racer: All the tracks are exactly the same, except that in Las Vegas, you can crash into signs and in Athens, it´s broken pillars. But Rad Racer lets you see the world! In bad 3D if you want!
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Oh come on! |
Ridge Racer V: Really cool and futuristic font! These letters say, "I´m ready to race!"
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Yes! |
Rad Racer: Old retro Nintendo font. I like it better.
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No! |
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Sorry, had to take a leak. Miss anything? |
Oh, and Election 2000 is so far behind it won´t be counted any more.
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I know what that´s like. |
(And no, I won´t dare dirty my page with Buchanan.)
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George. I´m conceding. Congratulations. |
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Okay, dude. Good fight. Seriously. |
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Yeah, man. Thanks a lot. I mean it. Have a good one. |
Hey I´m not done yet! There´s still two categories left!
Rad Racer: Only one difficulty... Redundant. This is the same thing, only 2000 times in a row.
Ridge Racer V: One of the first games that actually means what it says. Easy is easy, Hard is hard, and Normal is in between - it´s actually perfect! This is right on with challenge! Actually, kicks Gran Turismo´s ass in this department! All the races are exactly as challenging as you specify! Wow!
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George? Me again. No more concession. |
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What? No takebacks! |
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Yes takebacks! |
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No takebacks infinity! |
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Yes takeback infinity plus one! |
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Damn Washington fuzzy math. You´re a poopyhead! |
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Well, there´s no need to be snippy! |
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You know what? The next and last category is Florida! And my brother is governor there! So I don´t think I have to worry too much! |
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He´s not the ultimate authority on the issue. |
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Yes he is! |
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No he isn´t! |
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Yes he is! |
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No he isn´t! |
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I think we can see why our country is in a state of gridlock! |
Ugh. I hate this shit. Moving on, the final category...
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I thought this last category had to do with Florida! |
Sorry. That was in my first revision, and I'm too lazy to change it.
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Fuck! |
Ridge Racer: The good news? Two player and a split screen! The bad news! Remember how I said you have to earn stuff? That´s in two player mode as well. They give you a whopping six cars to start with, and you have to earn the rest. That really sucks.
Rad Racer: Time for a Slow Beef Absolutely True Story.
I was in a bar with two of my friends. The bouncer comes up and says to me, "Excuse me, can I talk to you for a sec." I shrug and say, "Sure." We go toward the door. He says to me, "The manager says you were snorting coke in the bathroom a couple weeks ago."
Really confused, I wrinkle my eyebrows, squint and say, "No?" (I don't do coke, but I honestly found the situation really confusing.)
He says, "Oh yeah? Is your name Al?"
Even more confused, I say, "No, it´s Mike."
"Oh shit, dude, I´m sorry! I thought... sorry, this is a case of mistaken identity."
Even worse, later on in the night I see the guy he confused me for - he was 5´2", and looked like a biker.
What did that story have to do with anything? About as much as Rad Racer has to do with being multiplayer. Don´t you love how I choose the most roundabout way to say ´It´s only one player.´?
It´s tough, though. Bad Multiplayer versus Good Single Player... I declare this category TOO CLOSE TO CALL.
Oh, I bet you didn´t see that one coming a mile away. Maybe there should be a recount... uh, look you know the rest. Let´s skip to the Supreme Court part.
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Yeah, there´s probably a good reason to recount. But let´s just get this over with. |
Good call. Sorry, Al. Better luck in 2004.
Final thoughts on the three?
Ridge Racer: It´s not a bad game. It´s just no Gran Turismo. If you´re expecting that, say no. Otherwise, this is a pretty cool racing game. Warning: since you have to earn stuff, renting it might give you the wrong impression. Rent twice.
Rad Racer: Cool game, and it´s free thanks to a NES emulator, like Nesticle.
Election 2000: Okay, admit it. You gotta feel bad for Gore. 534 votes. 1 Supreme Court Justice off. I mean, you get a shot at being President twice in your life tops. So in that spirit, I contend, that there may be a scenario where Al Gore could have kicked Bush´s ass in a landslide victory.
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The state of Florida certifies its 25 electoral votes to George W. Bush! |
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Roooaarrr! |
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It´s a fair certification. Screaming about it won´t help. |
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Yeah, but be warned. It ain´t wise to upset a Wookie. |
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Well, no one worries about upsetting Republicans! |
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That´s because Republicans don´t tend to rip people´s arms out when they lose. Wookies are known to do that. |
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I see your point, sir. Dick? May I suggest a new strategy? Let the wookie win. |
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Beep beep BLEEP! |
Enough of this nonsense. Namco made a bad call hiding all the good shit in Ridge Racer - when you rent it, you may not like it. I assure you, it gets better the more you play it. But, there are better games to get. I´d say wait for GT3.
