\ I love Silent Hill
And no, I didn't accidently print the word 'review' twice.
I hope you like being confused, because if you do...


"The fear of blood tends to create fear for the flesh."

-Game Intro

Um, I guess. Frankly I don´t know anyone with ´the fear of blood´, though my sister has this weird fear of birds, which didn´t tend to create the fear for the vultures or whatever.

To be completely honest, it´s odd trying to write a comedic review of a game I enjoyed for the most part.

I love Silent Hill. Seriously. It´s truly a scary game, and there´s not much I could criticize when it comes to first impressions. This was a phenomenal experience. I can´t stress enough that this is really one of the best games for the Playstation and a disturbing game from beginning to end.

Then I beat the damn thing.

Imagine this. You have spent the last six hours watching a who-dunnit, one you really like, meaning it probably starred Angela Lansbury. After six hours, the murderer is found, wearing a mask. Angela Lansbury decides to reveal the whole mystery, and as she´s about to pull his mask off... the Animaniacs jump out and sing the chemicals on the periodic table of elements to the theme of Davey Crockett.

I solve mysteries in my spare time! Once a week! Murder, I wrote!

I´m going to tell you what I did on seeing the (best) ending of Silent Hill. I blinked about four times in a row. I dropped the controller. And then I cried. Because I had spent SIX HOURS OF MY LIFE trying to finish this kickass game, only to be left with the dumbest ending in the whole fucking world.

I realize that a lot of video game players have gone through the trauma of playing through a phenomenal game only to be met with "The end. And a special thanks to YOU! for playing." You feel as if the writers dropped the ball. Or didn´t care. But I assure you it is worse in Silent Hill. Rather than not give you an ending at all, the brain-childs at Konami decide to give you an ending so incomprehensible that it might has well been written in Sumerian.

If you actually give a rat's ass about experiencing the crappy, disjoint script for yourself, then I'll go into it in further detail later on in this page.

Gameplay-wise, I can't really complain. Silent Hill was pretty damn cool, though it suffered from all the problems that pseudo-adventure games suffer from - a lack of... what's the word? Oh yeah, realism. For instance, at the beginning of the game, I tried to make my character, Harry, leave the diner he woke up in to search for his missing daughter.

Just me, or does this guy look like Ted Danson? Maybe I should check for something useful.

Okay, Harry, you're the boss (apparently). Let's see - a kitchen knife, a couple of health drinks, a broken radio... well, I'm in good health and I've got a gun. Time to leave!

Woody, stop being a jackass! Maybe I should check for something useful.

Are you paying attention? I just did!

Okay, I know, I know. I'm supposed to take stuff. And actually, it's a good thing, because I missed a map and flashlight. Whew! Thanks, Harry! Way to be on the ball. Okay, let's leave this place... but just as I'm about to, the broken radio emits static.

Seriously, Norm, I'm worried. Let me get you a cab. Huh? What's that? Huh? Radio? What's going on with that radio?

Whoa, Har, cool it with the Tourette's! Huh? What's that? Huh? Harry? Huh? Why are you talking like that? Huh?

And damn! As I'm about to leave (again), this gargoyle busts in a window! I empty a couple caps in him, and he dies.

Carla, knock it off. We're losing customers. Put your pants back on! This is not a dream! What's happening to this place?

Wait- you thought that was a dream? Before the gargoyle came in?!? Dude, I've had some fucked-up dreams, usually involving women in French-maid outfits, but what bad acid tabs have you been popping before bed?

So, I attempt to leave yet again when...

Anybody else sick of the Ted Danson jokes yet? That radio must be useful for something. I'd better take it with me.

Um, how did we arrive at that conclusion? Let's outline the logic here.

A) A radio emitted static.
B) A gargoyle burst in through a window.
----------------------------------------

A and B taken together imply...

C) The radio must be useful for something.


I'm not seeing it. Let me try.

A) The radio emitted static.
B) Static is not very useful.
-----------------------------

A and B taken together imply...

C) The radio is probably not very useful.


That looks better, but I AM WRONG! The radio detects monsters with its static. Think that's bullshit? That no one would develop a monster-detecting radio? Well, I bet you thought people would never invent Liquid Crystal pets. But look at Tamagotchi! So, let me try this logic again.

A) The Japanese develop lots of useless crap.
B) A monster-detecting radio is rather useless.
-----------------------------------------------

A and B taken together imply...

C) Sony has recently developed the Monster Detecto 2000!


D'oh! Wrong again.

Well, anyway, let's go full on into the plot of Silent Hill.

So from here on in, spoilers. A spoiler is where someone reveals a surprise, or an ending to a movie or something. Like, Qui-Gon gets killed by Darth Maul. Oops! You know what? You´re really not missing anything with the spoiler to Silent Hill. Seriously. But if you absolutely must experience the crappy story for yourself read no further.

Everyone still here?

So you play a guy named Harry. You get into a car accident. Your daughter Cheryl ends up missing. You wake up in a town called Silent Hill.

The game is SO FUCKING GOOD for the next few hours.

Well, apparently, when your daughter´s missing, all of your conversations start out with, "Have you seen a little girl around here? Short, black hair, just turned seven?" That´s understandable, but by the fifteenth time Harry introduces himself this way, you sigh. Then you start to say the words with him.

"Have you seen  a  little  girl  around  here? Short, black  hair,  just  turned  seven?"
(Have you seen a little girl around here? Short, black hair, just turned seven? Jesus Christ dude, knock it off.)

During your search you meet a nurse named Lisa. I really like Lisa, and feel bad for her because she spontaneously melts, and I swear to you, I really have no clue why. It was random. Imagine if you were talking to a nurse and all of a sudden, she melted. Same difference. My mom´s a nurse, and she´s never spontaneously melted (yet).

Think that´s odd? How about this one? The whole game you´re looking for your daughter (short, black hair, just turned seven). You never find her. With no explanation, at the end, a burn victim in a wheelchair hands you a baby. You escape with the female cop.

I really don´t know. There was no baby anywhere else in the game. Just at the very end.

Now you´re probably saying, "C´mon Mike, it couldn´t be that random! There had to be some reason the burn victim in the wheelchair hands you a baby."

I really wish I could agree with you. But WHAT THE FUCK- THERE IS NO MENTION OF A BABY OR ANYTHING IN SILENT HILL. It really was that random!

See, that´s the worst part. The game was actually so good you wanted to see what happened at the end. And after the melting nurse, and the infant from nowhere, you were so friggin´ disappointed. And then there´s a secret ending (I´m really not making this up) where you get abducted by aliens and during the credits someone is very badly singing "Silent Hill Silent Hill... Silent Hill Silent Hill..."

Wha-? I don´t even know. I´m not sure I want to.

And here's something rather wacky... plus, it ends up being a game hint! You have a finite number of bullets in the game. Let's say you get to the last boss, and you're low on ammo. In real life, you'd be screwed, but not here! The designers help you out - when you run out of ammo, the last boss dies! So, what's the easiest way to finish the game? Right before you enter the final room, use up all your bullets. You walk in, and the boss explodes! Gotta love well-thought out games!

Like I said, what sucks is that the game was REALLY good. Actually, a lot of people wondered what the hell the ending meant (gee I wonder why) and someone who calls himself President Evil actually wrote a thesis on it. I´m not kidding. If you have a spare three hours go ahead and read it, but realize this ´ if you think I have no life, because I´m writing this review, think of the guy who wrote a fucking thesis on it.

Now, after beating the game, I had to know what the hell was going on and I read a LOT of theories people on the Internet posted (None from Konami.) This guy´s is by far, the best. And that´s pretty sad.

Here´s the deal. You might think I´m treating this guy unfairly by taking his points out of context. You're right, but I don't like his review anyway. His writing contains about a thousand other spoilers to various other American movies/books he feels the writers were influenced by. See, all the American designers who were doing the translation, decided it would be a good idea to name all the streets in Silent Hill after famous authors (Crichton Rd, Sagan St., Ellmore Rd., you get the idea.) But they had little bearing on the plot since the original writers were Japanese. Yet he thinks its okay to cite American movies, books, etc. ´ including ones that came out AFTER Silent Hill was released. Anyway, here´s the plot review he wrote.

(Got a spare few hours to read this thing? Don't worry, I´ve got excerpts!)

For example, here´s a useful passage, where good old President is describing the intro, which is a series of short clips from different points in the game. The editor seemed to have been having a seizure at the time. Here are a few scenes.

That book is titled 'COOWIGR DINOR' - which is code for Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Lisa, the melting nurse. This game is a fetishist's dream come true. I don't know what the developers were thinking here. Our hero, confused from now until the end of the game. What would a horror game be without a tasteful cleavage shot?

Gotta love continuity, right? Anyhow, President writes:

"The whole intro is like watching the beginning of an episode of the short-lived David Lynch TV series Twin Peaks. The viewer wonders, what will happen to Harry this week on ´Silent Hill´."

While I agree the intro was so fucked up and disjoint, it was beyond understanding by a normal human being, much like Twin Peaks, I never once wondered what will happen to Harry this week on ´Silent Hill.´ I don´t think anyone has! In fact, what the fuck is this guy talking about? I beat the game in less than a week ´ the next week, I never wondered if the game would be any different, or what happened to Harry. In fact the only Harry I worried about on a weekly basis was Harry Anderson from Night Court! Would Roz say something off-color? Would Dan try to bed Christine? Would Bull do something stupid, yet cute?

Ever see the episode where Mac quit his job and signed on with this big firm, but decided to go back because they were hiring him only because of Affirmative Action? Seriously. Thanks for the social commentary, Night Court! Bull, what happened to the diamond yo-yo I gave you?
Ever see that scene from Eyes Wide Shut where Tom Cruise imagines Nicole Kidman having sex with Richard Moll (a.k.a. Bull from Night Court) dressed up as a sailor? Neither have I! It fell down the sewer drain while I was walking the doggy!

(Those are actual lines from the episode of Night Court where Mac wins the lottery. See what repressed memories hypnosis can dredge up? Just say no.)

More from President Evil.

"The town of Silent Hill would seem to be caught between two worlds. One is the world where it is foggy all the time, a light snow is falling in the middle of the summer tourist season, and monsters are crawling out of the mist. (And no, the mist is not there as a convenient way to help the game render more easily!!! Look at games like Tomb Raider and Shadow Man, which have similar game engines, and you can see almost miles away. The developers wanted to promote a spooky and mysterious atmosphere!!!)"

He´s pretty confident about that mist! Let me check my computer graphics book.

This book is porno for nerds.

Hmmm. Well the book never really answered my question, but I did get this from it:

"If dd is Mike Sawyer´s disdain for that theory, and db is the amount of bullshit he´s shoveling, and dr is the amount of times you´ve heard the phrase, "Yeah, baby!" spoken in a bad Austin Powers impression, then...

Watch me look even nerdier when it turns out that equation works.


Also, in games with similar engines like Tomb Raider and Shadow Man, you can see up to a good couple hundred feet in front of you! That´s pretty close to a mile, if you´re a moron!

Anybody sick of Lara Croft yet? I mean I like polygonal tits and all, but...
Anybody ever actually play this game?
Nope, that´s not almost miles away.
And neither is this.

Okay, but I still haven't proven this guy is a jackass from that last statement. So I turned to a guy, who's forgotten more about this shit, than you'll ever know. May I present, Doug DeCarlo, Computer Graphics Professor! By the way, does that title spell sit-com or what?

So, Prof. DeCarlo responded to my request to call this guy a jackass the following way.

Sorry, but I can't call the guy a jackass for the reasons you want to.
Well, he does sound like some unseasoned high-school kid, though. :)

If you want to see our e-mail correspondence concerning the matter, try this link. It's actually quite informative (though not as funny as I would like).

Me and Doug Decarlo in e-mail.

Now more of this guy. Be careful. The next passage will give you a seizure. I´ll prep you. Silent Hill transforms in different parts of the game ´ it goes from a normal town to a hellish nightmare, where sidewalks turn into metal catwalks, and everything gets really fucked up. He´s describing the different forms of the town.

To further prep you for his analysis, here´s the deal. Dahlia is bad. Alessa is good.

"So we are dealing with three Silent Hills, Misty SH, Dark SH, and Real SH.

What power conjures these fake Silent Hills? Since Dahlia always appears in Misty SH, it is safe to assume that she somehow controls Misty SH. Since Alessa only appears in Dark SH, she somehow controls Dark SH. How? In Alessa's case, it is obvious. She has half of a power within her that if united, could take over the entire physical universe. [He´s right, that was obvious!] If the second girl was somehow able to tap into the power of the first, then the united power would reasonably be all that you need to conjure an entire world. If Dahlia possessed such a power, she would be able to tear away Alessa's world and find the second girl, easily.

So the only logical answer is simple. Alessa has conjured a fake Silent Hill to hide herself in, so that Dahlia does not find her."

He´s right! That is simple! Why didn´t I think of this!?!

I mean duh, if Alessa controls RE SH, and Dahlia has an affinity for XJB SH then certainly the second girl would be found easily! Thanks! This plot guide rocks!

Seriously, though, this is like saying in Pee-Wee´s Big Adventure, since Pee-Wee is the one who owned his bike before it was stolen, he is in control of that version of his bike, and since Francis stole it later, Francis is in control of the future, stolen, version of that bike! So there are TWO bikes!

Yeah, but do you spank them? I don´t make monkeys! I just trade ´em!

Now I understand... oh wait, actually I don´t. I´d better let this guy explain some more. Here he was in the middle of making sense, when...

"If you don't quite get what I'm saying in this theory about Harry in the game not being the real Harry, rent the movie The Matrix. You'll quickly see what I mean.

Alessa becomes aware that Harry has been brought into this world. So she brings on a scary dark side, where she changes Silent Hill into a Hellish nightmare world in the hopes that Harry will not want to proceed. But Harry doesn't know what is going on, he is just looking for his daughter. He continues on. So Alessa generates monsters that overwhelm and kill Harry's form. No problem. Dahlia simply regenerates Harry in a safer area, the cafe. If you still don't know where I'm getting this, see The Matrix. This may go on an infinite amount of times. In fact, the ending of the game may not be the ending. "

So let me get this straight. If I see The Matrix I´ll understand what the hell you´re talking about? Okay, I saw the Matrix. Now, I´m quite sure the demons of Silent Hill have not enslaved the world in hopes of turning everyone into batteries. In fact, I don´t remember any point in The Matrix where Neo tells Trinity, "Whoa! Demons must be making this, because I´ve died twice! Good thing Morpheus keeps resurrecting me in a safer area!" Furthermore, ´the ending of the game may not be the ending.´ C´mon, that´s not even good English!

The red pill is a Roofie. Don´t take it. The Matrix is going to send gargoyles and zombie dogs after you.
What kind of name is Keanu? Whoa.
Sorry, but I had to. Whoa!

Seriously, I actually do get what President Evil was talking about, though it´s not because of the Matrix, which came out a couple of years after Silent Hill. But if Dahlia likes Harry so much, why´s she trying to kill him with her monsters? Maybe it has to do with why OJ killed Nicole - like Dahlia loves Harry so much that she has to kill him or something.

You know what? There´s more.

"Things should be clicking for you as I discuss the issues. The point of this topic has been to define the world you are playing in in Silent Hill, and I have explained as best I can. "

Nope, nothing´s clicking for me. And if that´s the best you can explain it, then you need some work, my friend.

He actually uses the following point to bolster his argument.

"Notice how, when the monsters are killed, they fade away after some time? I've seen it happen!!!"

What the fuck? You ever play a video game before? I think I played one once where the monsters didn´t fade away ´ that´s a staple video game trait! That´d be like saying, "The world of Commando must be under the influence of an evil force because THE BULLETS CAN BE SEEN MOVING SLOWLY IN MID-AIR! THEY EVEN APPEAR AS WHITE PIXELS! I´VE SEEN IT HAPPEN!!!

Anyhow, I have my own theory as to why the plot of Silent Hill makes little sense.

Five minutes with Corel Draw 7. God, I love technology!

As you can see, 30% of the script was lost in translation, 10% was burned in a fire, and 57% was puked on at the Konami Corporate Christmas party.

That´s why the game makes no sense. Other than that, though, it rocked.

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