Hey Konami, Satan called. Your video games are giving him nightmares.

"Dead people can't write letters."
-James, our hero, helpfully explaining what dead people can and cannot do.

Back, in oh, 1996, I believe it was, Capcom popularized the "survival horror" genre by releasing Resident Evil - a game which combined the zombies of Night of the Living Dead with the pulse pounding action of Die Hard with the bad voice acting of Bikini Carwash Company II and the absolute horror and revulsion one finds on discovering they´ve actually bought tickets for Corky Romano.

Resident Evil is about as scary as a Halloween episode of the Simpsons. And it was a fun game until Capcom decided they need twenty different versions of the same game to complete the really crappy story. That´s standard Capcom modus operandi, which we all know is Latin for dumb fucking idea. They made Street Fighter 2, then the Championship Edition, pictured here:

	This is actually just Street Fighter 2. I added a lens flare to make it more champion-like, but I think I only succeeded in making it shinier. Frankly, I think that´s all Capcom did, too. They decided that this version was too slow, so they made...
	Turbo Street Fighter 2: Championship Edition. I´m sure I got the name wrong, and if I were sober enough to care, I´d fix it. I was going to add motion blur to simulate the "TURBO" part, but I decided that would be too much work, so I just added another lens flare, which makes the game... even shinier. Notice that I didn´t actually make the picture better, which is either symbolic of Capcom´s endless changes to the game, or just an example of my laziness. Next came:
	Again, I could have included a picture of the game, but Super Street Fighter 2 is personified here by a picture of Street Fighter two with three lens flares. If you´re not blown away by the superness of the game, I don´t blame you. But buckle your fucking seatbelt for this one, Slow Beef fans. Capcom came out with:
	Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo. Which preceded Capcom´s next move:
	Super Last of the Mohicans 2 Turbo: Championship Edition Zero. I wanted to remember how exactly one performed Daniel Day Lewis´ fireball move - but quarter-circle forward punch only made him shout "Stay alive! No matter what happens! I will find you!" That only made my eyes tear up, but with rage. I swear!

And then the Ultimate Turbo Championship Edition, then the Super one, and ten versions later made the same game even more extreme by putting the character´s names in boldface like this: Ryu! Konami took one, possibly two, looks at Resident Evil, and said (here personified by Charlie from Empty Nest):

Fuck you Capcom. I can make a game so scary that it´ll make Resident Evil look like Disney´s First Kid, which incidentally, starred Sinbad. And not the good Sinbad who fought Cyclopses, either!

Konami threw down the gauntlet with the scariest game on the Playstation since Incredible Crisis. It was known as Silent Hill, and despite a storyline so convoluted, that, if there were Cliff Notes, they´d have only contained the words, "Fuck dude, you got me." - it was one of those must-have games. Read my review of it here. Now the sequel has arrived.

I am going to say with almost fullest confidence that if Konami hadn´t made a Playstation 2 game out of it first, then Marilyn Manson would have used it in a music video so twisted it would have inspired all the goth kids in the world to hang out at the malls in EVEN LARGER GROUPS, before hitting Hot Topic and buying the most antisocial lava lamps that Spencer´s couldn´t sell.

Oh, here´s my web page impression of every goth kid you´ve ever met.

Screw you Mom and Dad! You don´t understand me! No one does! No one except Cthulhu! Evil´s trendy, right guys?

So anyway, imagine this. Take a person. Put him in a straightjacket. Burn him to death. Take the charred body and wrap it in cellophane. Reanimate the corpse. That´s the first fucking enemy in Silent Hill 2. This game is seriosuly wrong. Like the designers should be applauded for their creativity before being shipped to an asylum to never again contact the rest of humanity. But then again, it´s got good lighting effects, so I guess that´s worth something.

Seriously, though. Silent Hill 2 has unbelievable everything. Graphics, sound, catering, you name it, Silent Hill 2 excels in it. And it´s fucking frightening, if not only for the fact that H.R. Giger wishes he could come up with shit this fucked up. If you don´t know who H.R. Giger is, he designed the alien from the originally titled movie, Alien. Here´s a simultaneous example of his artwork, and the artwork of a seriously disturbed mind.

I think this particular work is featured in the book Necromonicon though I don´t care enough to do the minimal amount of research. Necromonicon is the same name of the book that Bruce Campbell was trying to destroy, get, whatever in the Evil Dead series. This was all before his big break on FOX´s Brisco County Jr. and UPN´s Jack of All Trades.

If you read my review of the first Silent Hill, you saw me make fun of the horrendously ridiculous plot review done by some weirdo who calls himself President Evil. President does the whole plot review shindig again for Silent Hill 2, and this time, does an awesome job. I don´t think he learned how to write any better, I just think that this time Konami did a competent job of that whole "writing words onto paper" thing when doing the script, and made probably the most sophisticated-storied game for the PS2. The plot of Silent Hill 2 will make the plot of Saving Private Ryan look like a pile of puke.

While Silent Hill 2, is without a doubt, the most effective horror game there is, and again, has an incredible story, not to mention being an incredible game on its own, it has its share of problems. Let me outline the plot for you.

Your name in the game is James Sunderland (strangely no relation to Donald Sutherland, but I´m still looking into it, to be honest). Three years ago, James´ wife died of "that damn disease". I don´t know what that disease is, unless it´s name is actually "That Damn Disease", although knowing doctors, it´s probably really Damndiseasitris or some shit.

The letter says that James promised to take his dead wife to Silent Hill, but never did. But now she´s waiting for him in "their special place." If this sounds like a demonic trap to you, then you´re not alone. James, on the other hand, is alone, and decides that it´s worth looking into. Later, you´ll read my argument for why James is the stupidest video game character alive, so I won´t even get into him finding the town is full of weird characters and even worse, hellish demonic things.

Let´s meet some of our game´s characters, shall we? And let´s do it by turning to our trusty game manual.

James Sunderland - Age: Unknown - Occupation: Protagonist

Three years ago, his beloved wife, Mary, became seriously ill and passed away. James was wasting away in empty, lifeless days of mourning, when a strange letter arrived. The name of the sender was Mary Shepherd-Sunderland, his late wife. The cryptic letter beckoned him to meet her in Silent Hill, a town that once held a great meaning for the couple. Although he firmly believes his wife is not alive, James questions the origins of the letter and is determined to find the truth by returning to Silent hill.

Why this guy´s age is unknown is beyond me. Is it supposed to make the game more mysterious or something? If that´s the case, why bother telling us this guy´s name, or his wife´s maiden name, even? Fuck, that´s like saying, "James´ blood type is a mystery to all, but his favorite type of dog is Shih-Tsu." And his occupation is Protagonist? Besides, "what does that mean", the more obvious question is: how much does that pay? Does it help you pick up chicks in bars?

	So what do you do, James?
	I´m a professional protagonist! Which means I´m paid to be the hero of a story! Oh, and I´m pining for my dead wife.
	Oh James, obscurity is such a turn on!

And if James firmly believes his wife is dead, why bother investigating? Plus, the game tells you that it´s in her handwriting, so the fact that this letter is from beyond the grave would personally make me less inclined to go investigate. Let´s look at some more characters, shall we?

Angela Orosco - Age: Unknown - Occupation: Unknown
	James first meets her in a cemetary and from the beginning; there is something shadowy about her. Ever since childhood, she was convinced that she would never be happy. She ran away from home shortly after graduating from high school, but her father found her and dragged her back home. She ran away from home again, this time to Silent Hill, but now she is lost.

Angela is one order more obscure than James - we don´t know her age or occupation! Dun dun DUN! Wow, this manual is getting more scary and mysterious by the page! Gather up all your courage for our next suggestion... what if we didn´t know her LAST NAME?!?

Ooh, that´s Norman Bates scary.

Tell me about it, Count. Moving on...

Eddie Dombrowski - Age: Unknown - Occupation: Unknown
	Eddie is a simple-minded, clumsy, and useless man who is deeply terrified of getting hurt. He has a gentle, quiet personality, but also possesses another side that he cannot control when angered. What is his purpose in Silent Hill?

Wow, not even the manual knows what Eddie´s purpose in Silent Hill! More mystery! This is getting more enigmatic by the minute. The way this is going, the rest of the pages are just gonna be blank!

You know, this is kinda boring. Let´s get into the game.

I like to complain about shit, but this game is so good, I can´t find much wrong with it. Except that the main character, James, is easily the stupidest character in video game history. Here is:

1. Upon killing his first demonic monster (pictured below):
   
   (Alive - left, dead - right. Like it matters.)

   James comments, "Is it dead? It´s not human."

   Well, thanks for the biology lesson, dipshit. You mean humans aren´t supposed to look like shrink-wrapped burn victims in straightjackets? Christ, James, I´d love to hear your discourse on a vagina.

   "Is it a flower? It´s certainly not a penis."

   On a quick aside, at this point, I need to introduce the coolest game character in history: Pyramid-Head. Pyramid-Head is a... well... guy with a pyramid-shaped head. He´s by far the coolest game villain ever, and if not for Darth Vader, Brick Top (from the movie Snatch), and Willy Wonka, he´d be the coolest villain ever, PERIOD. Sadly, this is the best screenshot I could find of him, and I had to touch it up:

   

   If you were to ask me why I thought Pyramid-Head was so cool, I´d have to say that you were a complete dipshit (I´ve used that word twice!). But to answer your question, I don´t know. He just is. He´s like the Fonz. Anyhow...

2. Upon meeting his second non-monster character, a fat guy named Eddie, who's puking (endlessly) into a toilet (pictured here):
   
   
   James asks him, accusingly, "You´re not friends with that red pyramid thing are you?"

   Sigh. Yes, James. Even monsters with giant knives and red, glass, geometric objects for faces have friends. Why, that reminds me of this one episode of ´Friends´ where...

   	I don´t know what to do! I like Rachel, but I´m so whiny I can´t even do anything! Ohhhh!
   	Well, why don´t you just wait around for my next snappy, yet sardonic comeback then? Uh... sarcasm?
   	[Laugh track]
   	I guess it´s time for me to say something ditsy! Like, what do you think, Pyramid-Head?
   	ROSS. ONLY YOU CAN ADMIT LOVE FOR RACHEL. DO QUICKLY, AS I WILL SOON EVISCERATE YOU.
   	Oh, Pyramid-Head! You rascal!
   	You realize, of course, we are taking advice from someone who stabs people to death, right?
   	[Laugh track]
   	PYRAMID-HEAD JUST WANT LOVE.
   	Awwwww....

3. When hiding from Pyramid-Head behind a slatted door, James decides turning off his flashlight would just be way too unsporting.
     

   Being that Pyramid-Head already sounds like some really funky form of fellatio, I don´t even want to touch the connotations (or anything else) implied by the fact that James is hiding in the closet, not wanting to come out. Regardless, with a light coming out of the door, are you at all surprised that Pyramid Head finds our hero? Neither am I. And keep in mind, this is only the third reason that James is a fucking idiot.

4. James can´t even reason with children.

   At one point Laura, a seven-year old girl, talks about meeting Mary in the hospital a year ago, to which James responds "Liar!" Later, she opens a door for you. After you go in, she closes and locks the door behind you. Monsters start coming through the ceiling as she taunts, "So, am I still a big fat liar?"

   At this point, I´d respond: "Laura, honey, I´m sorry I called you a liar. It was stupid. Now please let me out! I´ll believe everything you say! And I´ll buy you an ice cream!" Then when she let me out, I´d beat her to death. I don´t condone child abuse, but if locking an adult in a room with demons doesn´t warrant a fatal spanking, then pretty much nothing does.

   (Note: before the three people who visit this site get mad, in real life, a seven year old girl can probably kick my ass. Also, in real life, kids can´t lock you in rooms with demons, so you´re going to feel pretty silly writing that e-mail, no?)

   James, on the other hand, responds: "Open up, you snotty little brat!" Needless to say, she runs off so you can fend for yourself. I don´t see any "Father of the Year" awards in James´ future. Though, I guess not mine either.

   All I´m saying is, that when a child locks you in a room full of demons, and she´s got the key to let you out, calling her a snotty brat is about as smart as being a small terrorist organization in a country like, oh Afghanistan, and attacking the most powerful nation on Earth. Well, political whatevers aside, I just really wanted to include the term: ´fatal spanking´ in something I wrote.

5. James believes that knives given to him by people he just met have too much sentimental value to be used as a weapon.

   Yeah, your choice. Nice sharp kitchen knife, or the wood plank from the beginning of the game. Well, Angela was considering commiting suicide with the knife. Examining it reveals that James thinks, "This is a knife Angela gave me. I don´t want to use it as a weapon." It makes sense if you were to ignore the whole logic and reason portion of sense. Which is really what this website is all about anyway.

6. James believes lurking shadows walking away from him should be examined.

   In the beginning, James sees a shadow of:

   

   This shadow is ambling away in the fog. I like to leave shit like that well enough alone, but not James! Even if you try to make him walk away, he says "That shadow looked wrong. I´d better check it out." Some advice: If you see a lion walking away, you may well wonder why a lion is just walking down the street. But you´d actually be better off not checking it out. Just walk away.

   Basically, simple survival skills aren´t on James´ list of priorities, though looking for people you know are dead are. I don´t get it. And it leads into the next one...

7. James can´t dodge the simplest attack.

   If you would, try to honestly put yourself in the following position. A child has locked you in a room full of monsters coming out of the ceiling. There´s actually good news to this. The monsters are confined to cages, which cannot leave the ceiling. They can move around the room, but they´re reach is so limited that they´re only method of attack is strangling you.

   The answer may not be readily apparent. Let me put it this way. It turns out to be one of the harder boss battles in the game as you run around the room, attacking these caged beasts hanging from the ceiling, whose reach is so short they can only choke you. It suddenly occurs to you that this would be 1000 times easier if...

   You could just duck.

   That´s right, if you crouched, this would be the easiest thing since your mother. Hey guy, sit down, I was only kidding. I could blame the developers, for not including a "Duck", "Get down", or a "Cower in the fetal position" button, any one of which would have spared me the difficulty of fighting the caged ceiling monsters. But I blame James. Because he´s stupid. I´d duck. You´d duck. Blind people would know to duck. Ducks wouldn´t have to worry about it, because that´s just silly to assume ducks would worry about this sort of thing. But you can´t even duck.

8. James keeps his wooden plank after acquiring a gun.
   

   Look, you idiot! You have a gun right there! Whzzit- gah!

9. James is in Silent Hill.

   Admit it, dead wife or not, you´d leave Silent Hill and at the very least, only come back with a Hummer and an M16. That might make for a bad horror game, but it´s just a good idea. Not doing so, is grounds for making this reason as good as two, which is a poor excuse on my part for trying not to keep this review going for another 30 pages.

Unsure of how to end this review with the exception of a cheesy quote, like "If you liked the Blair Witch Project, who cares? You´ll love Silent Hill 2 either way!", I decided on this cheesy quote. If you liked Bridget Jones´ diary, you´ll motherfucking love Silent Hill 2. I was going to include a picture of a dinosaur to show how scary it is, but I decided that would be too horrific. But not as horrific as this:

That´s Jason from Friday the 13th scary!

It sure is, Count.

What could this paper possibly say? I don´t remember. And do you really care?