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Yee-haw! |
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What did you say? |
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Nothing, honey. |
Snipers. You´ve been obsessed with them ever that girl at the mall laughed at you when you asked her out, you lost your job at the post office, and Cthulhu started speaking through your cat and telling you to save those jars of urine for Judgment Day. "Why? Why can´t they make a video game where I am the Hand of Divine Wrath smiting the human filth from above? Why won´t the voices in my head stop telling me that my father´s head would probably be best served with red wine?"
Konami has heard your insidious, whispered rants. And they have answered. Well... the video game part anyway. Squaresoft´s still working on the other stuff. So stop feverishly washing your hands, go lock and unlock the door 37 times, and get ready for sniper action!
Okay, in my reviews of Armored Core 2 and Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore for Playstation 2, I raved like a lunatic over the beautiful graphics. This is where I stop. The graphics are good. And that´s it - good. After seeing the awesome power of the Playstation 2 in full first-generation/launch game glory, this is a serious letdown. It makes me want to go in a belltower and snipe people! Or at least play a video game where I go in a belltower and... oh, never mind.
So I won´t rank on the graphics too much, because like I said, they are good. Just not great. This is above Playstation, but below Playstation 2, if you can dig it.
Now if you´ve been to an arcade, chances are you´ve most likely seen Silent Scope (cough – and its improved sequel). If you haven´t, brief overview. Here´s the console.
The screen shows the scene very far away. Mounted on the arcade console, is Konami´s mock up of a sniper´s rifle – complete with scope. Here´s the deal. If you insert your eye into the scope you´ll see a little LCD screen (pumping bright light directly into your eye) which will show you a zoomed in version of what the gun is aimed at. Like a real sniper´s rifle, only a bit more temporarily blinding!
Now how does one model this on a home system, without selling a $500 version of the arcade gun? Simple! Cut out a circular portion of the screen, and use that as the lens of the scope. The zoomed portion moves VERY SLOWLY across the screen. If the circle button (or L1 or L2) is depressed, the lens disappears and gives you a cursor. Now the crosshairs FLY across the screen! Release the circle button for precision shooting. And adjust the speed by holding square to go slower, and triangle to go faster!
What a bad motherfucking idea.
You´re going to be too busy shooting people to adjust the speed (oh and it goes from normal to MUCH FASTER and MUCH SLOWER). So it´s like you speed over to shoot someone, but when you raise the lens for accuracy, you have to readjust to the new speed. It´s kind of like trying to keep a Jenga tower balanced on someone having a seizure – it ain´t happening. I rented the game and got it for 5 days at Blockbuster. It took me 3 of those days to actually hit stuff somewhat accurately. And I didn´t even begin to master the changing speeds crap.
My friend Chris actually put it best. "Yeah, but the whole point of playing the game in the arcade was for the sniper´s rifle." Coming from someone with such a low sperm count, it´s surprisingly accurate (and a little disturbing). Without it, the game lacks a lot. Konami tried to make up for that by adding more modes of play...
Silent Scope has 5. Story Mode, Training, Training, Training, and Training. And while Training´s kind of boring, Training is pretty cool, Training is a lot like Training, and Training actually has you shoot watermelons at one point, let´s face it - you want Story Mode! (Believe it or not, Training, Training, Training, and Training tend to be a little too similar to be actually considered as different modes of play.)
And what a story Story Mode boasts! Video game Presidents tend to get kidnapped a lot. And then Silent Scope President´s Secret Service loses him, AND his wife and daughter. What a bunch of jackasses! Your mission? Oh, guess!
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Um, really, your duty is to save me. I mean, Chelsea´d be nice, too, but you know... I am the President... I mean New York senators kind of come second... |
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What was that? |
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Sorry, dear. |
Wanna hear something kind of messed up? One of the final bosses in the game is Monica, the Secretary. The manual states in its Character´s section...
 Monica the Armored Secretary Secretary to the Big Boss and a specialist in torture |
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In the presence of her stunning beauty and ingenious torture techniques, all men cannot help but obey Monica, including the Big Boss. [Nothing makes me hot like ingenious torture techniques.] In fact, some say the Big Boss kidnapped the President simply because she wanted to torture him. The armor she wears represents the latest technology created by the group´s internal research and development team. The armor was designed to repel all bullets shot from any angle. However, since the top priority was making it lightweight [remember this part...], the armor suffers in durability. With her beautiful body clad in this armor, she flashes a bewitching smile as she hunts her prey again tonight." |
Now the armor suffers in durability, right? This is basically a weak attempt to hide the fact that you basically get to shoot her clothes off until she dies. I never got this far in the Playstation 2 game (Why? That part´s coming later), but I remember it from the arcade version. And sorry to all those dirtbags who are as of two sentences ago, hanging on my every word. She´s nowhere near naked. Calm yourself and move on.
Speaking of the clothing thing, there´s a decent amount of random let´s-get-all-the-horny-pre-teens-to-buy-this marketing going on. For example... here´s the Japanese ad.
I asked my good friend Kentaro to translate this. His response?
"Okay, shithead, do me a favor. Learn Japanese. I am sick and tired of being asked to translate something for you every two fucking weeks. And you are such an idiot! It says ´Silent Scope´ just like it does in English right fucking there! What did you expect it to say? ´Slow Beef isn´t a loser.´? You only wish."
Okay, okay, sorry. I was actually hoping it would explain what a woman's legs have to do with a game involving sniping. Like, it could have said, 'This isn't in the game.' or 'You'll never get this in real life, nerd boy.'
Here´s a weird bug in the game. You regain health by looking at bikini-clad women through your scope. (Nothing mixes in with an action game like voyeurism. And nothing says sexy like LOOKING AT A WOMAN THROUGH THE SCOPE OF A SNIPER´S RIFLE) When you do, as a cute little gag, the circular scope becomes heart-shaped. Except Konami doesn´t remember to turn it back for a minute, so you get things like...
Furthermore, the scantily-clad women would have made for an okay addition... um... if it made any fucking sense. Okay, I´m storming the enemy base, and while I´m shooting people, there happens to be a women in lingerie standing in the middle of the room. The sex appeal was placed as subtly as a brick to the face.
Plus, night vision. It´s like the rest of the game, except... greener. Kind of like how you know Jim Carrey in The Grinch (they shortened the title to make it hip!) is pretty much the same as Jim Carrey in Ace Venture: Pet Detective. You´ll like it the first time, but then you´ll realize that all three of Carrey´s facial expressions get old after a while.
The most annoying thing about Silent Scope is your friend. I don´t know who he is, but he speaks to you constantly. If you´re shooting too fast, he tells you to "Calm down." If you´re shooting too slow, he tells you to "Hurry up."
Konami´s announcer has no concept whatsoever of a good firing rate. I´ve seriously played the game and been told, in sequence. "Hurry up!... Calm down... Hurry up!... Calm down... Hurry up!... You´ve lost your touch."
Make up your fucking mind! Maybe I wouldn´t have ´lost my touch´ if you could actually comment on what I´m doing! Ugh... Here, I´m going to be a million times more helpful in this next sentence:
"No, aim closer to the guy´s head. Closer. Closer." Better, no?
Just for laughs, more characters from the manual.
Professional Sniper (a.k.a. The Player) Former special operative in a British anti-terrorism force |
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You have an impressive battle record with the task force, but for unknown reasons, retired from the unit with no advance warning. Currently residing in Chicago, Illinois, you work as a sniper for hire in the underworld. You have successfully carried out numerous difficult missions with an innate cool-headedness, earning you legendary status as a sniper. Extremely reticent by nature, you treasure solitude and are still single. Your only companion is a one of a kind, custom sniper rifle. |
Oh God, where to begin. First up, if you remove the words ´Chicago´ and ´Illinois´ and reread the passage, then it´s 100% complete vague and obscure nonsense. "You arrived from a mysterious location and became a sniper for enigmatic reasons." That would have been about as good. And frankly, I can´t believe Konami had the balls to use the word ´reticent´ in that paragraph.
Scorpion the Butcher Former U.S. bodybuilding champion [What?] |
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At one time, Scorpion was able to bench press 770 pounds with ease [oh, please], but he had to retire from bodybuilding after suffering a devastating injury in which he tore his right thigh muscle. His life in disarray after seeing his dreams dashed, Scorpion was invited to join the terrorist group. He gained a reputation for his Herculian [sic] strength and brilliant mind and soon rose to the rank of officer. He was given the code name "The Butcher" because of his imposing muscular body. Incidentally, his apprentice is the one that appears in the fighter plane. |
Joke, right? The former U.S. bodybuilding champion and his ´brilliant mind.´ Thanks, Konami! Because I like my bullshit by the fucking truckload. Oh, and incidentally, what the fuck are you talking about with the whole ´apprentice in the fighter plane´ nonsense? Do I even want to know? Oh, incidentally, whoever wrote this is a moron.
Hornet the Sniper Hired sniper of the underworld |
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Skillful at hiding undercover and unrivaled in shooting accuracy, Hornet has an appropriate name, as his strike is like the sting of a hornet. [Dear God, how do the writers sleep at night?] He will take on any job no matter how crude, provided the pay is generous. Boasting that he is the god of snipers, Hornet has been waiting for a showdown with you in order to earn himself a reputation as the No. 1 sniper of the underworld. Though he has the habit of saying he´s No. 1, he seems more like the No. 1 narcissist. |
Number One Narcissist? BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Good one, guys!!! Two snaps in a circle for that one!
Tom Et Jerry the Killer Machine [Et?] Biological Experiments created from an elite assassin´s DNA |  |
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Tom is Experiment #1 (the one without the mask) and Jerry is Experiment #2. The terrorist group raised these killing machines from birth to be assassins. A drug was administered to Jerry in large doses to adapt his body specifically to night combat, but resulted in wiping out all of his emotions. Since then, he has refused to listen to anyone but Tom, who he has known since birth. Tom, who is teetering on the brink of insanity, attempted to escape from the group with Jerry to seek a more human-like existence. His attempt failed, but he has not given up his dream of freedom. |
And you thought they were just a cat and mouse! Am I supposed to feel bad for these guys? Before or after they throw knives at me? C´mon! Drugs to make him adapt to night combat? Do you know what that mask he´s wearing is? Night vision goggles. Good thing this doesn´t happen in real life.
"Well, Jimmy you´re a little farsighted. I´m going to give you these glasses, and these pills which may or may not fix your farsightedness, but will definitely make you insane."
"Wow! Thanks, Dr. Jackass!"
"No problem!"
And his dream of freedom ends when you put in a bullet in his head. If you weren´t so mysterious, you´d be a douchebag. And by the way, if I´m so far away, I need a sniper´s rifle to hit them, how the hell do they get me with throwing knives?
Okay, enough of this. Back to the game.
I do have to give Konami props for the AI. Enemies react pretty realistically. Miss one, and he´ll hide, or at least duck and start looking for you. It´s kind of cool. Well, for a few minutes. It gets tired rather quickly, like when you chase your grandfather with a dildo... uh, I mean...
Okay, now, you may have wondered why I never shot Monica´s clothes off and killed her in the Playstation 2 version. Simple reason.
Silent Scope is a SHORT game. There are maybe three or four stages total. Now, how does a game developer make a short game last so long? Simple. They make it INCREDIBLY FUCKING HARD. I think I could perform an appendectomy with a broken beer bottle before beating this game without continuing. Here´s the problem. Even if you can shoot all the bad guys before they aim at you, you can still lose because there is an IMPOSSIBLY short time limit. You get time bonuses for killing people, but it´s not enough. And you get two continues max (or a mode where you start with none, and get continues by having a 100% hit rate from start to finish... good luck...) so basically, you´re screwed. Even after trying to memorize where all the bad guys were, I´m sorry, it´s just as frustrating as trying to masturbate while your mother is calling you down to dinner.
Look, very simple. Silent Scope is better played with a fake sniper´s rifle or at least an elaborate mirror system. You don´t have that option. The controller, while good for autoerotic asphyxiation, and to a smaller extent, video games, is no good as a sniper´s rifle. I only got used to the controls the third day, and to be frank, aiming well never seems to come very naturally, and requires switching from digital to analog frequently.
But even if you´re better than me at sniping people (cough, psycho), you´ll agree the game is way too short to spend more than $20 on. Plus, you can play it in the arcade with the better sniper´s rifle... and more importantly, you can play the improved sequel in the arcade... FOR FIFTY CENTS. I´d say give this a rent. And that´s it.
