You'll have to excuse my lack of recent updates, but I've been planning a trip to Japan as of late. As part of that, I've decided to teach myself the language. Japanese is a thick, rich, chocolately language, replete with metaphor, idiomatic expressions, and grammatical mindfuckery. In fact, it strangely inspired this review in a completely unrealistic way. One day, I was studying one of Japanese's fifty or so alphabets, Hiragana - a phonetic alphabet - and its racist brother, Katakana which - I'm dead serious - is used only for writing foreign words.

At a Japanese mall near me, I ran across a book titled "Kana Can Be Easy..." which teaches you quirky little mnemonics for remembering all those squiggly lines the Japanese call writing. Unfortunately "Kana Can Be Easy..." is only half of the title, as the inside cover reveals the second half: "...If You're Fucking Rain Man". Regardless, what follows is the Hiragana symbol for "A" (pronounced "Ahh", as in "Ahh shit, I wish Martin Lawrence had a TV show again.") The book recommends the following mnemonic:

あ - Imagine a turtle, wearing a bowtie, saying "Ahhhhh."

I didn't make that up. I stared at あ thinking "Well... maybe... maybe there's a bowtie in that loop on the..." but I couldn't do it. Like a Magic Eye picture, or one of those stupid Flash animations that presents a still, soothing image and then screams at you, あ looked as much like a turtle wearing a bowtie as Saddam Hussein did. (Topical humor, party of one!) And then one day, after stretching my brain in order to somehow make あ into a turtle, I reached a new state of consciousness, and became one with all living things. As I collapsed into my semi-psychadelic state, induced entirely by a fucked-up mnemonic, I remembered thinking one thing:

"The Tony Hawk Pro Skater series really needs less skating, and more dramatic narrative."

I awoke under my bed, two days later. I'd missed a day of work, but あ was now memorized (but I still don't see a fucking turtle there). Then I recalled my last thought. "Tony Hawk with less skating? And a story with actual plot and characters? Ha! Who would ever think to make that-" Then, as I'm sure you've predicted since this is probably the most transparent foreshadowing ever, I saw a copy of Tony Hawk Pro Skater: Underground.

And here we are. But before I continue, here's a picture of someone being gnarly.

If I were a skater, or SK8R or SK8R Grrl or what have you -- and sadly I'm none of those things -- I'd probably have some handy slang to describe this, like "This jump was totally grody" or something. So I'll pick a random adjective... um... well, 'handy' works. "That dude with the handy mohawk's grab is totally handy! TO THE EXTREME." Did you notice the game only gave him 744 X 1 points? How unhandy is that? Well, to be fair, video games shouldn't be rewarding that much crotch.

If you read my Forums, you'll find that sometimes people can get upset when I make fun of games they like. So I'm warning everyone now. Yes, Tony Hawk is probably the most unexpectedly fun series in recent memories. Yes, it is more awesome than tacos stuffed with candy. And yes, Neversoft is America's best chance for fighting terrorism on the video game battlefield. But dammit, laughs are my business and business is good, thanks to the one thing every video game does nowadays that makes my job a million times easier: Story Mode!

If you ever want to make fun of a video game, play "Story Mode" - it ensures that you're embark on something that's badly written, has terrible dialogue, and will make perfect fodder. Okay, to be fair, I wasn't expecting the screenplay to Mystic River in a game about skateboarding, but the rest of the game is so much fun, that I need something to make fun of. Besides the company name, of course. Well, the Tony Hawk Pro Skater series is created by Neversoft, the first video game company I've encountered that has a reference to genitalia right up in the company name - provided Konami really doesn't translate to "Clitoris to the face" like my uncle told me.

So before we enter Story Mode, here's the deal. The Tony Hawk series in general is really, really good. It's really its own genre of game (save imitators like Aggressive Inline, and BMX XXX) and each series introduces a small, new dynamic that keeps the whole thing fresh. (Tony Hawk 3 introduced reverts, part 4 introduced Spine Transfers, and part 5 introduced the Superbowl Shuffle for nostalgic fun for everyone!) Even better, with the optional "Create A Park", "Create A Skater", "Upload Your Face" (which is friggin' disturbing), and the new "Create a Trick", Tony Hawk Underground has a ton of replayability, and even after you've put it down for months, and picked it up to do a funny review of it, it's still fun!

Now, let's talk about the story. In fact, let's talk about the first 15 or 16 chapters in great detail!

Level I: Hometown Hijinks Well, first of all, if you're designing a video game about skateboarding, and you have the word 'hijinks' in the title, well I don't know what magic elf robbed you of your shame, but you'd better find him quick. Also, you might notice this skateboarder is doing too little skating and too much climbing. What's going on, you ask? Well...

The story starts out simply enough: You're a skateboarder in New Jersey and your friend, Eric Sparrow, informs you that big-time skateboarder and all around dreamboat Chad Muska is doing a demo... in your town. "OHHH SHNAPP-PUH!!!, you've probably exclaimed. I know, it's crazy but true! This could be your chance to make it to the big time! Except, of course, you've got some menial errands to run first, so both Chad Muska and your dreams will have to wait. Just like life!

So, first up on what's soon to be the most wildly ridiculous chore list you've seen in some time, Eric pissed off some drug dealers in your neighborhood. They're fairly forgiving drug dealers, though, and they only meticulously disassemble his board, and scattered it on rooftops throughout the town, forcing him to eventually climb houses and jump from rooftop to rooftop in order to reassemble it and skate at a later date. What mischevious wankers! Sadly, Eric says he busted his knee, and so he wants you to go get collect his board spoor. He offers to hold your skateboard for you, introducing a very transparent tutorial to the biggest gameplay change in the Tony Hawk series. Drum roll, please?

...

In this incarnation of Tony Hawk Pro Skater, you can walk and run around without your skateboard! I know a lot of you are saying "About motherfucking time!" in unison. I hear you. I'm sick of all these skateboarding games forcing me onto their skateboards all the time! Why can't a game just let my character take a break and stroll about town? Does Tiger Woods Golf 2004 have to be all golf? Couldn't Tiger just rest in the clubhouse for a bit? And does Ace Combat 4 have to take place in a jet the whole time? Gran Turismo 4 designers, jot this down - maybe it shouldn't be all about the cars and the races, you know guys? It's called variety and it's the spice of life, Jack!

Alright, I'm kidding: spastically as my character runs and jumps, it's nice to be able to more easily position him/her for a 100 move combo or what have you. Incorporating mounting/dismounting into combos feels a bit clumsly - like fucking a robot - but it adds something to the gameplay, I guess (also like fucking a robot.)

After this menial task, Eric challenges you to beat his score! Since you're forced to oblige everyone's whim and fancy in the Tony Hawk world, that's your next challenge. Beat Eric, and he says "Whatever" and storms off. With charisma like that, it's no wonder you two are such chums!

"Hey Eric, I beat your score!"
"Oh yeah? Well, bite my left nut, you fuck!"
"You got it, bro. Let's hang at the mall later!"
"Fuck you, pussy!"
"B-F-F!"

So, strolling around town - chillin' if you're familiar with slang from a few years ago - I saw a bunch of people who needed help. "Sure," I thought. "What better way to be a skateboarder than by helping out my fellow man!" Which is odd because the skateboarding dudes at my college always fell down a lot - I never really saw them running food drives or blood drives or anything. But you know, I only wish this game would let me do something somewhat bad. Like join a gang! But not just any gang! A street racing gang! A New Jersey street racing gang! How Fast and/or Furious! And Torque-y! Why, what have we here? Who ordered more extremely transparent foreshadowing? One of the first tasks of the game: Join a street racing New Jersey gang!

This introduces another odd addition to the gameplay: vehicles! Apparently, focus groups said there was still too much skating in the Tony Hawk Pro SKATER series, because you can drive things like cars now. For instance, in the New Jersey level, you have to become a member of the Street Warriors gang. This is a pretty rough gang - initiation requires you to drive around town and hit a bunch of parking cones! Those documentaries on drive-bys and armed robberies for gang initiation were a lie after all! Screw you Rockstar games!

Win this challenge and you're a Street Warrior! "But, why would I want to be a Street Warrior?" you may ask. "Aren't I trying to impress Chad Muska?"

		"Well," replies Rafina, the nonsense fairy, "Because that's how Tony Hawk got to where he is! By joining random gangs that have absolutely nothing to do with your career path, you can succeed in anything! Donald Trump is at the height of a real estate empire, because he joined a lot of South Central LA gangs. One of the challenges he suggested for 'The Apprentice' was to have each of the teammates be stabbed in the stomach twice, but they wouldn't let him do it. Fucking FCC!"
		"You're fired, dog. Get the fuck out of my office. SOUTHSIDE, MOTHERFUCKAHHHHHHHSSS!!!!"

By the way, the Street Warriors, the mythical NJ racing gang from the game? Their leader's name is actually "Johnny Turbo". I hope someone got fired for that.

Another task in this level is to "Walk Charles", your neighbor's dog. What a fun game! I can't wait for the "Clean Your Room" stage. Charles is a ridiculously large pit bull, who you have to 'skitch'. Skitching is the art of holding onto a moving vehicle while on a skateboard, bicycle, or whatever and letting that vehicle accelerate you to really high speeds. It's like waterskiing. Except there's no water. And no skiis. And no boat. And more asphalt. And a skateboard. And you're a moron. Having Charles drag you around might constitute animal cruelty if he didn't happen to be the size of fucking Cerberus. Let Charles drag your ass around for 30 seconds and ta-da! Challenge passed.

You can also learn a new move - the Flamingo. Famous skateboarder Mike Vallely is skating around with a weird orange hexagon thing over his head. I went over to tell him about it and he said, "Hey kid. Just out skating? Cool. Me too - hitting up the old neighborhood." He then taught me the Flamingo, provided I fill my special meter and hit left-right-circle. There's nothing funny about any of that, I just wanted to give you a glimpse of the life of a New Jersey skateboarder. It's rough out there, man. It's rough out there.

By now, Muska's in the house, and he shows off his sweet ride, which is a big truck with hydraulics. It's time for your final challenge of Stage 1... IMPRESS CHAD MUSKA!!! At the start, Local skater - Joey - muses:

[Note: All Tony Hawk characters here are presented exactly how they look in the game.]

Wow - Muska in Jersey. Unreal... I wonder if anyone could impress him!?

To which I replied, "Well Joey, Chad Muska's seen a lot of skateboarding, so that's pretty unlikely. I'll just give up." The game then informed me, "He's Checking Out The Pool By The Skateshop!" Well, might as well go meet him. But then when I got there, the game said, "Score 150,000 in front of Chad!". Hey, don't boss me around, game! I'll do what I like when I like, capiche? You're lucky, because it just so happens that I had wanted to score 150,000 in front of Chad Muska anyway, so don't think I'm doing it just because you said so!

The challenge is to score the points with Muska watching, so you have to follow him stalker-style, and keep doing moves until you hit the mark. When you do so, Muska drives up in a truck, and compliments you on your "sick line" - which is what I call all those people outside the clinic - but humiliates you by commenting on your "ghetto ride". "Well, I'm broke," your character pitifully replies. Muska understands and explains when he was back in Vegas, he got hooked up with a sponsorship with his local skateshop and you should do the same! "Merry Christmas," he says, and throws you a brand new skateboard! Yay! Let this be a lesson, kids - when athletes come to your town, make sure to do the sport they do in front of them. If they start to walk away, just keep following them, until they give in and say, "Okay, here's how I make money. Now have a new basketball."

Level II: Impressing the Locals You know what would impress the locals? The fact that her hair stays perfectly still even though she's fucking sideways. I was using "fucking" as an adverb there, sicko!

Now you're in New Jersey - only with a brown sky! In order to get the skateshop to sponsor you, you have to impress the skaters of the shop. It's time to tear it up, right homies?! First up, "Impress Shawn!" Who's Shawn? Fuck if I know, but if I'm going to impress members of a skateshop, and I have no idea who they are, the safest bet is to just impress everyone I can find in town and hopefully, one or two of them are part of the skateshop! Strangely, when I attempt the "Impress Shawn" goal, Shawn tells me:

Let's see if you've got the cajones to impress Stacy Peralta!

Wait, who am I impressing - you or Stacy? The question was rolling off my tongue, before he told me to meet him on the roof of a house. Fortunately, there was a conveniently placed quarter pipe that let me do just that. On top, he told me to transfer the alley, which means to use the roof of a house - whose curvature just happened to roughly equal that of a quarter pipe - over an alley onto another house, which was lined up perfectly and have the exact same kind of roof. Jesus, Shawn, I'd think you'd be impressed by the fact that this town is so architecturally skateboard-friendly to begin with. Do the transfer, then you have to spine transfer down the house, and boom - Shawn's impressed and will tell Mr. Peralta you've got skills. See? All it took was life-threatening rooftop acrobatics to impress him!

Next you find Jack, who wants to see if you can put up big numbers under pressure. He challenges you to score 100,000 in his new demo setup. "Excuse me... Jack, was it? I don't know if you realize, but I am the man who scored 150,000... in front of Chad Muska." Not impressed, or at least not programmed to respond, Jack just stood there, so I sighed and scored 100,000. "I told you I already made 150,000 points! You coulda just asked Chad Muska, like I recommended!" Unfortunately, Jack was programmed not to care. But that's okay. His love was real... even if he was not.

Next, impress Joey! To do so, you have to spine transfer into a trash bin, which I think is just a trick to make you fall into a bin of used condoms. Then you have to do it again, only kickflip while you spine transfer. Now that you're dirty and humiliated, Joey yells out a list of tricks that you have to do in a time limit. And then he's impressed. In the words of my best bud, Eric, "Whatever."

And then, "Hit Chris' lines." This sounds like a cocaine thing, but actually, Chris has these pre-determined combos that you have to copy. Do the first one, and Chris says, "Whaaa?!?...it took me 6 months to hit that line! Well, whatever, probably a fluke. See if you can hit this!" Okay. I did, and I guess he was impressed, because the challenge ended. Frankly, if I'd spent 6 months making a line that some dude hit right away, I think it'd be on me to impress him. But then again, I'm making a skateboard line so I can impress the denizens of a town of drug dealers and street racers, so I'm obviously an idiot.

Suddenly, it's nighttime and rainy, and I see Shawn hanging out on a street corner. I'm about to ask if he wants to splash in a puddle with me when:

Shhh! The dealers took off with some gear from the shop, I'm trying to figure out how to get it back.

My character interjects: "Where'd they take it? That place on Elm?" I decided to interject, "The drug dealers have an address? Are they in the phone book?"

Yeah, left it on the front porch.... Looks like I'm going to have to sneak over to Elm street to get it back... I must be nuts! They're all over the neighborhood... Most of 'em are pretty fried, so it should be easy to stay out of earshot, but they're unpredictable. And dangerous.

"Yeah," I thought. "Well, you have fun, guy." Then my character said, "It's my neighborhood - I'll do it!" At which point I tried to stop him with, "What?! Fuck impressing the skateboarders, I'm not stealing shit from drug dealers!"

But my character, being stupid, decides to play Metal Gear with drug dealers and get the Skateshop's equipment back. This seems pretty easy - if you climb up on a roof, you can pretty much avoid them all - but because of the piss-poor off-skateboard controls, you'll fall off and caught a lot. But if you make it, you'll get the stuff back (which by the way - consists of ONE SKATEBOARD - yeah, God forbid they get that stash!) you'll see - gasp! - Eric! What's he doing here? Actually, he's firebombing the drug dealers' cars! Uh... okay.

Well, I guess the drug dealers didn't mind any of that, because suddenly it's the next day, and you approach Stacy Peralta, who's a dude in the lotus position on a mailbox. He tells you if you want to be sponsored to make a "Sponsor Me" video, and it had better have new tricks and no boring Jersey locales! As you leave, Eric runs up. The drug dealers are after him, and he needs you to help him get to the train station and stay with his friend in Manhattan! Suddenly, a truck pulls up, and you and Eric run away! Cliffhanger, anyone? And by that, I meant that awful Stallone movie. Sorry, I should have been more specific.

Level III: Gettin' Outta Dodge Can you and Eric escape the evil drug cartel? What does this picture have to do with any of that? Find out on this chapter of Tony Hawk's Underground!

I guess the truck was somebody else or something because next you and Eric are calmly standing near each other. There's a guy banging on a headstone nearby. Talk to Eric and he says, "We gotta get outta here! If they find me it'll be my name on this headstone. I'm hiding here with Headstone Harry!"

Wait a second, who the fuck is Headstone Harry?! Who's even named "Headstone"? From now on, call me "Game Review Gary." Anyway, Eric's got a plan! A great plan! If you get Harry scrap metal, he'll build you a ramp! And then the Street Warriors (the racing gang) will give you enough speed to... JUMP A BRIDGE! Wow! Great idea, only I have a much better plan! NOT TRYING TO JUMP A BRIDGE! How about hiding in the trunk of a car and driving across the bridge? How about just calling a cab? How about ANYTHING BESIDES JUMPING A BRIDGE. Well, being used to video games, I know I have to do what they tell me, no matter how ridiculous. So you have to get 6 pieces of scrap metal - which of course - are on surburban rooftops. Don't people in this town store anything inside their houses?

Well, do that and Street Warriors will let you skitch their ride so you can clear the bridge. Succeed and huzzah! You're still in Jersey, only nearer to a train station! Way to elude the cops who had a roadblock on the brid-

Hey, wait a minute?! Since when am I eluding cops? And why? I thought I was eluding drug dealers! Yeah, to my chagrin, the cops had a roadblock set up on the bridge, which is why I couldn't cross it. But why would the cops be after me? The firebombing thing? That was that jerk, Eric! Ugh! Whatever. The Street Warriors lure the cops away... as you sail over them on a skateboard. I don't get it, but I'm paid to skate, not think. Actually, I'm also paid to drive and avoid drug dealers apparently, but whatever. When you get to the train station, you get stopped by Security Stew (?) who tells you he won't let skateboarders into the train station.

"Oh. Guess I was too busy stopping lying skate rats from sneaking into the station and spray painting 'I am the King of No Pants' on the phone kiosks."

My character showed off charisma that makes it no surprise he's friends with that Eric guy. "What's your problem Bacon Bits? Wake up on the wrong side of your mother this morning?" After this display of rapier wit, Stew says, "Why you little!" and chases you in circles, cartoon style! If you grind the circle five times, Stew gets dizzy and passes out. Hooray! Now what's the next step to getting a train ticket, you may ask? "Impress the Bratty Kid" will earn you a ticket. How do you do this? (and why?).

"I can go anywhere and get into anything around here. I r00l. Show me that U R as L33t as me and I can get you a train ticket. Oh! The street is lava so it doesn't count! I called it! Nyah Nyah!"

Ahem.

a) If he has that random chat room speak, why is he using proper punctuation?
b) ...And proper capitalization?
c) ...And not one emoticon?
d) ...And how the hell did he get a train ticket?
e) ...And why can't we just push him down and take it?

Okay, the answer to (e) is that as a skateboarder in the Tony Hawk world, I have to be nice to everyone except cops. So you have get 140,000 without touching the street. This is pretty hard - until you get to a roof, where you don't have to worry about that restriction at all. Hooray! Now you have a train ticket.

There's an alternate way to get a train ticket, and that's to talk to Ollie the Bum. Neversoft includes this guy in most Tony Hawk games - he's a bum! His house blew away, and he'll give you his train ticket if you can collect all the pieces of his house. Good job, Neversoft! The homeless exist to be mocked for their smell and drunkenness! Actually, I'm not being sarcastic. They do.

Complete all that, and Eric gets kidnapped by the drug dealers anyway! D'oh! You have to chase their van... on your skateboard! How? Beats me. You're somehow a little faster when you grind, and you can cut corners, so if you keep up, Johnny Turbo cuts them off with a couple of cars! "Don't worry, amigo-" says Lame Name. "They're not getting away through me!" Incredibly, the van turns around, thus getting by him. So Turbo - who since being in charge of a street racing gang, can't really drive very well - lends you his car to chase after the drug dealers, yourself! Thanks, Ace! What makes this chase difficult is that somehow the drug dealers have a van that can make PERFECT NINETY DEGREE TURNS. C'mon, even the Batmobile can't do that! You chase them, and they double back into the train station. The chase ends with you ramming into their van, flipping it over, at which point it bursts into flames in a train station, presumably killing the drug dealers inside.

And, of course, no one notices, and you and Eric escape onto the train unscathed.

Level IV: Skate The Big Apple Finally, you're out of New Jersey - although this picture doesn't show it. Welcome to the Big Apple, or at least a small section of the Lower West Side barricaded by Neversoft.

I actually worked in Manhattan for nearly a year. It was a fun, expensive city, but I was mostly surprised by all the half-pipes, grindable rails, and the fact there really wasn't much traffic and people at all. And Tony Hawk Underground emulates Manhattan beautifully! Well, time to shoot a video for that NJ skateshop dude! The first way to shoot a video - impress more people! Wow, I never realized skating was so image oriented. Go to the construction foreman to learn the goal: "High Score".

"Skating ain't nothing compared to working construction... OK, entertain us by throwing down a big score."

I'm sorry, were those two sentences related somehow? Okay, you have to get 150,000 points. For the last time, game, I already did this once... IN FRONT OF CHAD FUCKING MUSKA! And how does impressing construction workers help me make a video? As convoluted as these goals are, I should be happy it wasn't:

"Skating ain't nothing compared to working construction... OK, shuck this bag of clams."

Onto the next task: "Hold-Grind Combos". Someone identified as "Local", who speaks with an embarrasingly bad New York accent (think "Ey! I'm walken' ear!") wants you to pull off grind combos. He gave me 4 combos to pull off - but three were exactly the same. When I pulled one off, it counted for all three. This might sound confusing, so let me put it this way. Imagine if someone showed you one apple, and 100 oranges, then said "Pick up apples and oranges." Then, when you pick up an apple and an orange, that guy says, "Woah! Slow down guy! You've done it!" They alloted me a few minutes for this goal, but it took a couple seconds.

Nearby, I found my buddy Chad Muska with a big yellow polygon over his head. "Chad!" I yelled. "Chad! It's me! The guy who followed you around New Jersey and scored 150,000 right in your fucking face! You've got a polygon over your head! I said, you've got-" but he interrupted me. Chad promised me another special trick slot if I could get SPECIAL (caps are the game's, not mine) and grind over the Hudson River. I guess he meant SPECIAL like MENTALLY_CHALLENGED because you'd have to be to do any of this shit. Again, however, gotta do what the game says. And just to add to the realism, the grind is a "Moonwalk 5-0" which is a backwards grind. Grind backwards over the Hudson River? Yes sir, Mr. Muska! After this, I now had two things to brag about. I got 150,000 points, and I moonwalked 5-O over the Hudson River... in front of Chad Muska, baby! Woah!

Okay, back to what's important in life - making a "Sponsor Me" video for a guy named Stacy in New Jersey. I decided to do the "Help the Student" goal next. Because kids are our future, and without education, what will kids be? Thai prostitutes, exactly - I knew we were on the same page, reader. Someone stole the student's purse, and her stuff is spread "all over". (This sound like a porn into to anyone else?) And by "all over", she's not fucking around! A lot of her stuff is somehow on building railings and hovering in midair! Girl, losing your purse is the least of your problems, maybe you should try closing that fucking rip to the ninth circle of hell in wherever you buy your accessories!

Next, "Kill 5 Skatespots". The first thing you want to "kill" is "Pyramid Ledges" which I thought was a level of Sonic Adventure. Oh well. You have to score 5,000 points, which is tricky because you're in a small space, but still fucking easy because it's only 5,000 points. Once again, game? Ask Chad Muska about my skills. I did a bunch of flatland tricks (where you don't actually move - you just manual and pogo in place) and got the score.

"Good job," says 'Local'. "But can you do it at 78 Wah-tah." Well, yes. And I did the exact same thing I did before and scored 10,000.

Next up, was the Waterfront. 20,000 was the goal. So I did the EXACT SAME THING ONLY EVEN LONGER. This time I was thinking about monkeys while I was doing it though, because it was getting a little boring.

Now, after the 9/11 tragedy, Neversoft pays tribute to the brave people of New York and America as a whole... by having you skate the Veteran's Memorial!

Desecrate with extreme prejudice D00DZ!

"Shhhh," says 'Local'. "Shouldn't be skating this memorial but the marble is too good to pass up!" Yeah, I'm sure there's nowhere on the entire fucking island with marble this good. Nothing says good marble like the kind that lines the graves of dead soldiers, just like the good book says. That good book? Chicken Soup for the Jackass's Soul. 30,000 points was the goal. So I did the exact same thing... sigh... again.

Finally, the Brooklyn Banks. 40,000 points. Guess what I did. Huzzah, task over.

The final task of Chapter 4 is "Nut Vendors Unite". Which reminds me of that hilarious joke, "Dyslexics of the world, Untie!" If you talk to the nut vendor...

"What's wrong with people these days? I just want to sell my nuts, but the other vendors - they're bullying me into sharing my profits!"

Wait, does this guy sell nuts, or is he a male prostitute?

"Take out the other vendors and I'll give you free nuts for life."

Whoa! Now, we're getting somewhere! Fuck my skating career - free nuts!... Uh, provided this guy is NOT a male prositute. So, you have to drive around in a beat up car and smash 10 nut vendors. What is this? The Sopranos? Strangely, one guy is actually selling his nuts in an alley. Maybe they are prostitutes! When that's done, it's cutscene time, Jack!

"Yo!", says my friend Eric, who's kind of a jerk and got me in trouble with both cops and drug dealers. "Let's go check out the skaters at the Brooklyn Banks." Here, we see a skater grinding a rail, and someone else taping it. Eric gets into an argument with one of them who says, "Go back to Jersey, tweakers!" My character says, "Hey, if we tear up your favorite spots, will you help tape us?"

...Wait a minute! None of what I did earlier was part of making the tape? I was just impressing construction workers and desecrating memorials for the hell of it? What the fuck? Gah! At least I got a life supply of nuts. Oh well, time to skate with the locals.

Level V: Skating With The Locals Here's two people talking chummy, even though there are giant green letters floating around them. This never seems to bother people in the Tony Hawk world.

The first step is to help film someone else, who's doing their own line. "Film the Local" requires you to follow around another 'local' as he grinds and spins like a ninny. As part of an added challenge, the game throws in a "camera" filter, which is an awkward series of lines on the screen that just makes things a little harder to see. It's pretty annoying. Thanks, Neversoft! Next time, why don't you give me a "Bright Light in my Eyes Every 3 Seconds" filter?

"Hit the Killer Banks" is a pretty standard goal, but the next one, "Crash and Burn the Car" requires you to go meet Sik.

"Duuuude... You gotta help me ditch this Beater! Ride's faulty and I need the insurance money to score some new kicks."

So, here, you get to drive the car until it overheats and catches fire, and then drive it into a river. Why embark on such a dangerous and inane adventure? Because that's what pro skaters do, asshole! Welcome to the real world, which is not all Ollies and Grinds and McTwists and Christ Airs, and whatever fake compound words you can make up! Sometimes, you gotta fuck over insurance companies to be the best! So drive the car until it hits 300 degrees, then you have 15 seconds to dump it in the river before it explodes! The game doesn't explain how your character survives this, but lo and behold, goal complete, and you're back on your board on the waterfront. What the game doesn't show you is this ensuing phone call:

		"Hello, Geico? Um, I have a claim to file. My car overheated, exploded, and fell into a river."
		"Wow, that sounds like a wholly legitimate claim, consumer!"
		"I'll say!"
		"That was called sarcasm, jackass."
		"Well.... did I at least save some money on car insurance through you guys?"
		"No."

One of your new NY skater buddies asks a favor, next. Apparently there's some sick skating in this building, but there's guards outside! D'oh! Fortunately, the solution is clear if you work hard enough! He tells you, "The guards are tough but I heard they like hot, steaming, nuts."

That's actual in-game dialogue, and I know the writer probably meant it to be suggestive, but still, I thought I'd include it. Your mission is to go get nuts, bring 'em to a guard, get more nuts, get to the guard, repeat! Once you do that, the guards will give you and the locals unrestricted access to the building! What's that? You wouldn't risk your job for a bag of nuts? Well, you're obviously not a New Yorker! You're not done with the task now, though - now you have to perform a trick the local created called the "New York Nut Buster". And if you're o n difficulty like I was, you have to do it OUT A WINDOW! So, I did it out a window, fell a couple of stories, and landed on my skateboard just fine. All this to complete the task, "Help a Local Skater". I am sure helpful!

Now for this chapter's final task, "Gap the Burning Taxi!" Eric and you find yourselves by a taxi, engulfed in flames. The New York Fire Department is all asleep or something I guess, because the fire just keeps raging. Eric says "Check out that taxi! The fire is starting to rage. I'll film you tricking over it and then we'll have the perfect ending for our video for Peralta!"

Wait a minute! Are we, or are we not, filming the video for Stacy? Because I thought we were helping the locals so that they would film us, later? Have they been doing it the whole time? I know I probably shouldn't be analyzing the plot of a skateboarding game, but what can I say? I like to go for the cheap laughs. By the way - BALL HITS MAN IN GROIN! Ha!

So now, you have a minute thirty to do a bunch of tricks over a burning taxi. Whatever. Finish it and: Cutscene time! Peralta is doing a handstand. "Wow, you got style! You are on the team, dude!" Next, he wants you to go to Tampa for a competition, but oh no! You're broke!!! That's okay, because if you do Peralta some favors in Manhattan, he'll give you his private bus. Thankfully, he's not a pimp or anything, so you don't have to peddle your ass on the street. Prepare for the ... very, very suggestively named:

Level VI: Favors for a Ride Here's a picture of Rune Gilfberg I found on the Internet. All these pictures are of the game kind of ran together, so I decided to mix it up with a picture of someone actually on a skateboard. By the way, notice the ads for "Grand Theft Auto" and "Lego" in the background. Talk about covering the age-range demographics.

Okay, so what errands are on Stacy's agenda?

First, "Help Stacy's Relative". Alright, more helping! I love games that promote helping! Was this written by the Care Bears? Anyhow, find the guy in the suit. Uh oh! He's a capitalist pig, corporate slave driver! How do I know? Because he's in a suit and the game identifies him as "Slave Driver"!

"I'm sick of that kid missing work because he's out skating for Stacy. He's lucky Stacy sent you over here to work for him today. What's so great about this skateboarding anyway? You're a skater, why don't you show me, and maybe he can keep his job."

Wait, am I doing the kid's job, or impressing this guy? Listen homeslice, I scored 150,000, and grinded over the Hudson River backwards in front of CHAD MUSKA for Godsakes - what do I have to prove to you? In fact, what do I have to prove to Da Man at all?! The answer: You have to get 200,000 points in the building for this guy!

200,000 POINTS?! WHHHHAAAAA?????!!!!

Get 200,000 points... and the task is complete and the guy disappears. Were your skating skills so supreme he just vanished? Wow, you're like an assassin! A skating assassin! A 200,000 point scoring skating assassin, baby. If only Chad were here to see it. He'd wipe a tear from his eye and say, "Today you are a man, bear cub."

Onto Task 2, "Old School Skating Techniques". Talk to the Asian Chef to continue. Yes, you heard correctly.

Finally, Stacy has sent over a pupil. My fusion of ancient Japanese cooking techniques and modern foods has won him over and now I will try to apply this thinking to your skating.

Oooookay.... the first thing he makes you do is 5 No-Complys, which looks like a normal jump to me. Then he makes you do one over an obstacle. No biggie. And then:

The harmony of old vs. new will be delicious! No Comply onto the bench, manual, and then flip trick out.

You got it, chief. Er, chef. Next, he has you practice the 'Boneless' which is a move that give you more height off of pipes. How? Got me. So you have to do 5 Boneless..es. Then you have to Boneless over a high wall. And finally:

This will be the ultimate fusion of new and old. Get some speed and boneless off the lip of this Quarter Pipe. This should give you enough air to do a huge vert trick. Accomplishing this will bring great honor to us!

Calm down dude. It's an easy order, and finishing it, finishes off the task. And I guess brings you great honor or whatever Asian stereotype thing.

The third task of the chapter is the "Find the Stolen Skateshop Goods" task. Apparently, some punks stole some decks. And you gotta get them back. This makes you chase down 7 skaters with skulls above their heads. I never realized this, but if someone steals something from you, and you ride a skateboard near them, they magically give it back. No fights or nothing. And that ends that task.

Now here's where the game makes way too much sense. You get the bus, but in Tampa, get pulled over for a broken taillight, and a bumper sticker that says, "Cops Push Mongo". The cops get it, which makes them a lot more skating savvy than me. So they throw you down and step on the back of your neck. And Eric, of course, mouths off to them, to which they say "You can kiss your little skating competition goodbye." And referring to your character, "Unless your friend here wants to do us a couple of favors."

Sometimes sodomy jokes beg to be told.

And so we're not here all day, I'm going to stop here for now. Tony Hawk's Underground is awesome, you should get it, blah blah blah. Now here's a picture of a parrot on a skateboard.

Click me to go back! Squawk!