This title pic will make you hornier than these games... no, I'm serious.
Women come up to me all the time, and say, "Hey, Slow Beef! You are one sexy motherfucker! What video game-related material turns you on?" And I say, "Well, CLAUDIA SCHIFFER, I can tell you about a web page where you can read about what games DON´T turn me on!"
Video games have asked me to do fucked up, and I mean fucked-up things in my life. I´ve been given the Fox-Die virus, used a combination six-shooter/broadsword, flown a pig against an army of penguins, and even be chased by Michael Jackson while trying to collect bars of gold. In fact, I´ve once played as Michael Jackson, kicking stars at dancing gangsters before transforming into a robot... you get the idea.
Well, I have to say, in my video-game playing life, these ten games, all adult-oriented, are the crème de la crème of the oddest video game experiences you will ever have. To tell truth, there are still a couple others even weirder, but that´s another-
 | Hey, you look like you´re completing a sentence. Do you need some help? |
Wow, it´s Microsoft Office Assistant Mr. Paper Clip! Um, no, but thanks anyway.
I´m talking sex games today. Now, a couple of you may be surprised to hear, that yes, there are video games with sexual content, and apparently, a market for it. Listen, I like people with no clothes and vaginas as much as any other straight man, or gay woman. But I have a hard enough time accumulating points on a date, or money for a hook- never mind. I don´t need to expend my reflexes just to see badly drawn pixellated half-cartoons.
How did I find these games? I found the first one by accident, and was so fucking intrigued I had to get more. How could anyone be intrigued by this weird ass shit? Simple. Read on. You´ll hear about women named Pool Bar Kiss, be told in a hushed whisper, "Pease circle my silhoutte[sic]", and get to shoot water through a syringe onto their panties. I´m not kidding.
| Hey! You look like you´re trying to explain how you found these games! Do you need some help? |
Nope!
No, there´s no Strip Fighter 1. This is a complete and utter rip off of Street Fighter 2. Kind of like the porno versions of movies. Like, Your-ass-ic Park, or Titanic Cock, or Four Dildos and a Urinal (for the really fucked up porn watchers.) Strip Fighter 2 is this:
Imagine a fighting game for the Turbo Grafx 16, where you´re in an all female fighting tournament with tasteful shots of nudity (last adjective is bitterly sarcastic), and the loser has to get naked.
Sounds okay for monkeys with head wounds, but what about us normal folk who want to jerk off to fighting tournaments? See, we run into the fundamental problem with video game porn. First off, it doesn´t make sense. Like my one character loses all her clothes when she does a dragon punch, only to have them again, two frames of animation later. Or the fat woman shoots her breasts at you. Uh, I guess it makes sense in the last seconds after decapitation or something.
Plus, it´s not even a good game! At all! See, the Turbo Grafx has two normal buttons, start (oh, sorry - Run), and Select. The Options screen said Run was button 3, but all it did was pause the game. So, all I had were buttons 1 and 2. Button 1 is Kick, and Button 2 is Kick Harder. Variety rocks, especially when it doesn´t exist.
| You look like you´re trying to play Strip Fighter 2! Do you need some help? |
Actually, I do!
| Great! I can´t help you with that! Why don´t you try downloading the 66 MB file from Microsoft that will make the game take longer to load? |
Uh...
 | Did I miss anything? |
Uh, hi, Clay Einstein!
| You look like you´re trying to avoid downloading the 66 MB file. Do you need help? |
No. Leave me alone. Moving on (and away from any Microsoft helpers, I hope...)
Sexuality Quotient: I would rather watch a Big Brother marathon than jerk off to this.
This is a sexual update of an older game - there´s a few of these you´ll be reading about later on. This is Qix - a game where you try to enclose areas of a screen without... er... getting hit by a moving bunch of lines. Gal´s Panic gives you the same challenge - only versus a tarantula, a sun, and a pyramid. The object is to enclose areas of the screen on a woman´s silhouette. Whatever you enclose, gets revealed!
What convoluted mind even came up with this? I mean it´s weird enough someone thought Qix + Breasts = Kickass Video Game, but like, this whole dodge the tarantula to put someone´s silhouette in a box to reveal parts of her (most of the time clothed) body? This is like having sex for five mintues, then taking a break to play darts, then doing it again for five minutes, and then learning to play the guitar. It just blows my mind.
Believe it or not, this is the only game that COULD have come close to sexually appealing. When you beat a stage, you´re treated to a photograph of a real woman. You know what the erection-killers are?
The first is that these pictures were taken by Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer´s digital camera. What, are we talking four colors here? At least the women match their photographs this time around.
You know what the second erection killer is? FIGHTING A TARANTULA, A SUN, AND A PYRAMID.
If I had to pull off someone´s panties to be met with a tarantula, a star, and a geometric shape, I´d have cried "Social Disease!" and never looked back. Even four condoms at a time couldn´t have helped. Hell, a woman who douches in a sewer is cleaner than that!
| It looks like you´re trying to help a woman douche in a sewer! |
Look, buddy, first of all, you´re only helpful as a cheap alternative to a coat-hanger abortion. Second, no, I wasn´t.
| I won´t help you douche a woman in the sewer. But it looks like you´re writing a resume´ - need help with that? |
I´m not writing a resume! Ugh. Back to the game.
It actually gets worse. Screw up, and instead of a woman, you get a pig in a ballerina dress, or an alligator. My God, I wish I could just even begin to comprehend the madness, just to know what MOTHERFUCKING FUCKED UP MINDS COULD HAVE EVEN CONCEIVED...
Forget it. I don´t want to know. And yet it GETS WORSE.
For the bonus round in the game, you get to see a testicle spin a wheel, and get with a hammer by another testicle. I think the hard drive of my mind just crashed.
Sexuality Quotient: I would rather drink used embalming fluid than jerk off to this.
When we saw the blocky graphics of the Atari 2600, we all knew it was more than a simple game console... it was the incarnation of Eros, in all its glory, more than willing and able to awaken the fires of lust in young men and women, and bring them into a massive orgy worthy of Sodom and the other place that didn´t get to name anal sex.
Ok, so here´s the story. You´re a mad phat knight on the town. I got that from the title - pretty slick, eh? The damsel in distress is on a tower across a moat - so the game ends up like Rapunzel, except the leading male has an enormous penis. Your mission in Another Knight on the Town is to build a crude bridge piece by piece until you reach the other side. That´s stage one.
But, whoa cowboy, there´s more where that came from! You´ve got to contend with penis-eating alligators.
You know, our knight takes this really well. You can be damn sure if my enormous cock got bitten off by an alligator, then I´d do more than frown. Well, I´d probably cry a lot, to be honest. But then I´d do something manly to make up for it, like kill a dog with my bare hands, drink a beer, and stick my fingers up my ass. Wait - scratch that last part. Sorry - I went to Catholic school.
Now let´s say you get to build that bridge. Now logically, Stage Two would be climbing the tower, too, right? Well, let me give you insight into the developers´ minds...
 | Hannibal, the knight´s crossed the bridge! Next, we gotta make him climb the tower. |
 | No! That´s just what they´ll be expecting us to do... |
| This game is gonna suck, fool! |
The craftiest plan in Atari porn history was devised... your character is warped to the top of the tower, and the fair maiden, in appreciation, bends over.
Press up to thrust.
Press down to pull out a little.
Repeat.
I don´t know what the most amazing part is. That he managed to fit his massive cock in there? That they don´t have any compunction with fucking over an alligator moat? Or... that someone actually managed to write this idea down on paper? And ask someone to program it? And ask an artist (chuckle) to draw it? AND THEY ALL AGREED?!?!
God, this is sad. If you find yourself masturbating to this without at least some juxtaposition, do society a favor - take a gun and paste your brains on the wall.
Sexuality Quotient: I would sooner eat the used coffee filter dropped on the floor of a local YMCA than jerk off to this. Hell, just on principle alone!
I was just thinking the other day... man! I wish someone make Arkanoid more jerk-offable! And guess what?! No one´s done it yet. Hot-B seems to have attempted it by adding women in really... uh... stupid compromising positions. Like, don´t you get hot when you see a woman behind glass? And don´t you just want to break out the Vaseline when the glass magically breaks away as you tediously bounce a ball with a paddle? This is like watching a strip tease... a sixteen-hour strip tease where most of the time, the woman stands still.
The power-ups suck too. The mirror reverses your controls and the egg turns you into a fire shooting dragon. Yeah, great. That must have taken a whole second of creativity. Thanks, idiots. But, back to the sex.
The second girl appears submerged in a giant soft drink. Well, what do YOU equate with sex? Beds? Lingerie? Pervert. Real men want women in giant beverages.
The third girl... got me. I thought it was like a bubble bath thing, but I realized that made too much sense. Plus, it turns out she´s wearing clothes. So it´s not a bubble bath. Foam of some sort? Ah, who cares. I´m bored out of my skull playing this game. The fourth girl is in the dark and... blah blah blah.
Fuck it. Last is a woman on money. But I couldn´t gather enough strength to finish this crappy game.
Sexuality Quotient: If I can bear to stay awake, I would rather pour tobasco sauce on a small cut on my penis than jerk off to this.
Oh God, why?!? WHY WHY WHY?!?
| You look like you´re trying to express your utter confusion and contempt for this game and all that´s associated with it! Do you need some help? |
At this point, God couldn´t help me, and I´m only up to number six.
Okay, awhile ago, Activision made a game called Crackpot. Remember when some lunatic would stand on top of a building and throw flowerpots off of it? And the mayor would have to hire someone to catch them before they smashed? Yeah. So, that real life experience was emulated on the Atari 2600. That was pretty much the premise of Crackpot.
Mystique, the designers, decided, "Hey... wait a minute! What if instead of flowers, it was semen! And women caught it in their mouths!"
Look. It´s not women with semen in their mouths I have a problem with. It´s just that that usually comes after a blow job. Not in Beat ´Em and Eat ´Em! Here, some lunatic on a roof top jerks off and spends his seed off a rooftop. And these two naked twins are trying to catch it in their mouths.
Makes sense to me! After maybe twenty boulders thrown at my head!
Seriously, though. This is gross. Am I supposed to be getting off to this? I think Charles Manson would consider this kinda fucked up.
And I recently found the games' manual! I quote...
| You'll see graphics of a quality that you probably have never seen before. |
Wha-? Are you fucking kidding me? Someone actually had the NERVE to say this? I've probably never seen graphics like this? Before or after toothpicks were thrust into my eyes?!?
Sexuality Quotient: I would rather stick a conch shell complete with live hermit crab in my ass than jerk off to this.
This is actually the best game of the lot. Seriously! As a game, it´s fine! It´s not real pool... these physics are about as accurate as your typical epileptic sniper. But it´s decent!
The sex... why? Did this really draw so much more money? Was seeing these cutesy cartoon characters naked arousing to anyone? This ranks up there with my ´Japanese Nurses Getting Buttfucked by Goats on Fire´ fetish. And hey, at least that has its own website.
Yeah, Pool Bar Kiss and Hotel Oscar (sexy names if I´ve ever heard any!) challenge you to a game of pool... by yourself. Depending on how well you do, you get to see them in various stages of undress, with commentary like, "Please try again," or my personal favorite: "Exellent." That´s not a typo. They say ´Exellent´. Like, this game exels in pervesion, or is an exellent example of what not to include in a video game. Crap crap crap.
And in a two player game, the handsome winner stands next to the naked girl, while his clone/opponent, impales himself on his pool cue in the dark.
Sexuality Quotient: I would sooner apply a belt sander to my testicles than jerk off to this.
Hold the phone. Someone actually made a sequel? Yeah, Play Girls left so many unanswered questions. Like how many strokes will I have trying to grasp all this insanity?
Actually Play Girls 2 succeeds in, repeat ONE, aspect. It´s not that bad a game. It´s Galaga, with a few extras. Can´t complain.
What Play Girls has gained in gameplay it has SEVERELY lost in sexuality. And when you were at negative a-million to begin with... well, let´s just say men are more likely to find Napoleon attractive than this game.
Like the first woman. You know how sexy she is? So much so that she´s on fire! No, I mean SHE´S ON FIRE. I´M SUPPOSED TO GET OFF ON A WOMAN ENGULFED IN FLAMES.
Wow. Look, everybody, it´s Pat Bateman, American Psycho!
 | Wow, that´s really fucked up!! |
| Burn you godless whore! Burn! |
Whoa. I didn´t see that coming. The next stage is about... well... not sure. You fight ninjas to save a woman who´s either tied up... very badly... or holding loose ropes. Wait a minute... what the hell is going on?
Oh yeah, naturally, the ninjas are lead by a giant lamppost.
Now, naturally, the next sexiest thing after ninjas is the living dead. So, this woman is covered in corpses! Holy shit, how am I gonna get rid of this massive erection? Better hit the cemetery!
| You look like you´re trying to comprehend how this is sexy? Do you need help? |
Yes!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
|
You mean you don´t find the stench of the dead arousing? |
Oh dear Christ. And this stage´s boss is an egg! Can it get any worse?
Phew. A break. This woman´s only in a vat of pink gel, surrounded by robots that can transform into giant fists! Do me a favor and re-read that sentence. Things have gotten so fucked up, that that is now the NORMAL part of the game.
And then there´s the woman in green goo.
She seems happy to be in green goo for God´s knows what reason. Probably because she´s thankful she didn´t get to be burned alive or groped by the dead. You know this was an arcade game? That means the designers actually expected you to pay twenty-five cents to a save a snot-covered woman from alien hermit crabs. Well, shit, they´ve got my money! Good thing the minute you save her, you´re given credits. Thank God it´s over. This was like a deranged lunatic's nightmare.
Sexuality Quotient: I would sooner shower with three or more priests than jerk off to this.
This game was actually the cause of some controversy awhile back. See, here´s how the game works, from the perspective a perfectly normal person who played it without knowing anything about it.
A woman is standing naked next to a pole. There are black lines, that are supposed to be arrows raining down on you. Walk over, avoiding the arrows, and press the joystick button repeatedly to thrust. Notice that she seems to be smiling. This seems like perfectly consensual, standing in the desert sex. It would be. Now, here´s where the game description fucks it up.
"Help Custer avoid the arrows and get to the squaw. Press the button to earn rape points!"
Rape points. I don´t fuckin´ believe it. I just don´t fuckin´ believe it. This is it. This is as fucked up as it gets. Please promise me dear reader, if you ever have a thought to make a video game where you can get rape points, do the world a favor, and rub barbed wire on your genitals, apply lemon juice, and bleed out until death. No - scratch that last part. Go to the hospital and get treated, and repeat until 911 refuses to help you.
Needless to say, women´s groups were a little upset. But what´s really fucked up is that the game itself actually wasn´t the problem. It was all the shit on the back of the box or something. But still, no one caught this?
Editor: Bob, I like the manual alright - especially the part where you cover the whole, use-the-button-to-fuck part. But... what´s with the rape points?
Writer: Oh that! Well, I´m a misogynist.
Editor: ...er... Bob?
Writer: Yeah?
Editor: You´re fired. Please repeatedly smack your head with a brick as you leave my office.
See, I thought that´s how it should have went. Or maybe I´m nuts.
Sexuality Quotient: I would sooner blow a leper than jerk off to this.
Whoa! Somebody finally gets it right! Ms. Pac Man is naked except for a cute ribbon on her head. She gets chased by ghosts who want to have sex with her. And she´s more than willing to give into their ghostly desires. And she´ll do any position - up, down, left, or right!
But Ms. Pac Man is dominating. And rather than receive, she´d prefer to grab a power pill, don a strap on, and give it right back!
The reason this scored so high on least sexually gratifying is that I´ll never find a woman as sexy as Ms. Pac Man. (Sniff.)
Sexuality Quotient: I´m just jealous because real women can´t be yellow spheres with ribbons. D´oh.
Now where do I even begin? Poker Ladies is like strip poker, except more disturbing. Much more disturbing. I´m warning you. Run from Poker Ladies and NEVER look back.
Still here, brave ones? Welcome to the pit of ultimate despair.
This is it. This is when you haven´t had sex in so long, you think a clitoris is a flower of some sort. No, let me amend that. This is when you haven´t had sex in so long, it´s driven you insane and you think that ´sex´ is a synonym for ´monkey´ and you go to the zoo and start eating peanut shells just because the only person who still wants something to do with you is the monocle-wearing peanut Planter´s mascot. No, let me amend that. No... wait... I can´t. It´s impossible. This is the zenith, the apex, the lodos of impossibly insane - God I can´t even begin.
Look, if you´ve ever played Strip Poker, you know the rules. It´s poker, except you can trade clothes for money. But Poker Ladies decides to up the ante (BWAHAHA! PUN!) by making it so, once you have undressed the ladies, you can ´play´ with them by repeatedly hitting the Deal button. What does this ´playing´ entail?
Well, the first girl...
when you undress her and play with her... uh... a snake travels up her leg and starts licking her nipple. Not too bad. Oh it´s bad, but I´m speaking relatively.
The second girl.
When you play with her, a disembodied hand starts tickling her panties, navel, and breasts. Well... okay... I guess I´m not the only one who saw the porn potential in Poltergeist.
The third girl. When you beat her at poker, she bends over and points her white panties at you. Press Deal to squirt a drop of water out of a syringe onto her.
Whoa whoa, fella. What is this? Even if I could dismiss the water (and I can´t, try as I might) a syringe?!? What´s going on? Did we need this? Who the- this is like twelve psychotic episodes rolled into one!
I've traumatized you enough. From here on in, no more pictures. The fourth girl. When you win, you get to shine a flashlight onto her panties. And she gets aroused by that. By light. She gets aroused by light. You will find H.R. Giger´s The Necrmonicon sexier than this any day. You will find H.R. Giger´s Alien sexier than this. You will find massive head trauma sexier than this game. Dare I continue?
The next girl, gets her ankles tied in chains. You get to forcibly spread her legs somehow. Please God. Make it stop.
There are two more sessions of disembodied breast massaging, and disembodied hand forcing woman to finger herself shit. And finally, disembodied ass massaging. I am going to make it my personal mission to pay Marsellus Wallace to go medieval on whoever made this sorry, sorry excuse for a video game.
Sexaulity Quotient: I would much rather slather my genitals in honey and squat in a box of scorpions than jerk off to this. MUCH RATHER it.
Well, gang. What have we learned today? Yeah, you may complain about porno acting and storyline, but I would prefer the Pool Guy cleaning the dumb blondes´ pipes to drawing outlines of women with flashlights on their panties and names like ´I Play Pool!´.
Stay far, far away. I mean it.
