SLOW BEEF'S REVIEW OF TEKKEN TAG TOURNAMENT

What the fuck is a Tekken?

"I´m a vegetarian."
-Kimmi, from Survivor 2

"Oh! A worm! I can eat that!"
-Kimmi, later, from the same episode of Survivor 2

"What the fuck is going on?"
-Me, immediately afterwards.

Yo, yo, yo! It´s the Slow Beef in da hizzouse! Yo Slow? What da fuck you be talkin´ wit´ dis Survivor shit, biz-natch!

Hey, everybody! It´s CRT - the musical programmer!* His stuff is actually pretty cool! Check it out at www.mp3.com/crt.

You be kissin´ mah ass like ah mothafuckin´ bitch to his pimp!

Sorry, dude - just figured if I use your likeness on my page without your permission, I might as well give you a plug. Anyhow, why mention Survivor 2 in a Tekken review? Well…

If there´s one thing that Buddha has taught, it´s that people who make things kind of suck at it. Like, one guy will make something that´s a hit, and everyone will stupidly copy off it and fail miserably. I think he also mentioned ´suffering´ somewhere. Anyway yeah, people make stuff that sucks. Examples?

A long time ago, there was Street Fighter. Dear God it sucked. But in 1991, someone made a sequel. It revolutionized the game industry. It was by far one of the coolest things ever. Street Fighter 2 (if I recall) is still number one in coin-operated machine financial returns. It really blew away all predecessors. Tons of companies tried to cash in with crap like, "Mortal Kombat," "World Heroes," "Fighter´s History," "Road Warrior," and "Ducktales." Few succeeded. Most will actually make you feel depressed if you play them.

In 1999 there was this TV show called ´Survivor´. Recently, we´ve got ´The Mole´, ´Temptation Island´, and ´Survivor 2.´

Why am I drawing a comparison from fighting games to reality TV? Qualudes. And I´m trying to make a point.

There´s also gonna be two types of people reading this. The type of person who wants to make a fighting game themselves, and the kind of person who wants to engineer one of those quirky new reality TV shows. Well, don´t worry! The two are surprisingly similar to write!

The fuck you say, Slow!

Nope - it´s true, the two are really similar to write.

You just said that.

Shut up! Anyhow:

How to make a fighting game.	How to make a Reality TV Show
Step One: Make fighters. One of them should definitely be the self reflective type - fighting only to increase his/her skills, or social prowess, or… whatever. Two-thirds of all of them should be avenging the death of someone killed by someone else in the fighting tournament. Since, you know, that happens all the time. Oh yeah, one guy should like to throw a lot of people.	Step One: Hire celebrity wannabes. One of them should defintiely be the self reflective type - being on TV only to learn something about themselves. Two-thirds of them should be fame-grubbing whores, who cry at least twice per week. Oh yeah, one guy should be gay.
Step Two: Make a really stupid context. Like, it´s not just a fighting tournament! THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS AT STAKE!!! Stupid? Absolutely! Did that stop anyone who makes fighting games? God no.	Step Two: Make a really stupid context. Like, it´s not just a game show! THESE PEOPLE ARE SHIPWRECKED AND FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES WHILE CRASHED IN THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK AND ON A TEMPTING SPY MISSION WITH THE MOLE!!! Stupid? Absolutely! Did that stop Mark Burnett, etc.? God no.
Step Three: Make really dumb combos. Square, L2, Triangle, Left, Circle means two things in real life - jack and shit. But in a fighting game, it´s suddenly a clip from a Jackie Chan movie. But people seem to like that.	Step Three: Make really dumb contests. In real life, carrying a torch over water to identify the real Cartier watch from a fake, so you can rotate a trivia cube to eat beetle larva seems like the stupidest thing in the fucking world. But in a reality TV show, those skills will KEEP YOUR ASS ON THE ISLAND, MOTHERFUCKER.
Step Four: What would a fighting game be without dumb-ass endings? Like Ryu starts dragon-punching a waterfall? Or Kuma the Bear gets rejected by Panda the Bear? Who gives a shit? But hey, it´s part of a fighting game.	Step Four: What would a reality TV show be without dumb-ass endings? Like, the Mole is YOU! Or, no one on Temptation Island had any sex! Or, my God, I wasted my Wednesday nights to see Susan yell at Kelly and the winner get decided by Greg´s "Gee, who can guess a number from 1 to 10!" strategy. Man, what a rip-off.

See?

Oh shit. This isn´t much of a game review is it?

Well, there are two reasons. Qualudes. And that it´s hard to review this game without comparing it to Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore (another Playstation fighting game).

Namco entered the whole fighting game deal with Tekken. Tekken now reigns supreme. Do they keep the throne with Tekken Tag Tournament? Well… If you want to go Playstation fighting game, I´d have to say Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore. Why? Three reasons.

First, environment. Let´s face it, both of the games have awesome fighters and stuff. But there is NOTHING cooler than the first shock when you punch someone in Dead or Alive and SEND THEM THROUGH A WINDOW… only to jump out yourself and continue the fight! Holy fuck, that´s cool shit! Tekken´s battle stages are endless planes of cool-looking nothing. Er…okay.

Second, loading times. DOA2 is DVD. TTT is CD. DOA2 is much faster. It´s like comparing apples to really slow oranges. (Slow Beef - Emperor of the Simile.)

Three, inane conversation. No one speaks in Tekken. In Dead or Alive 2, you get to have a brain hemorrhage when Gen-Fu inexplicably says, "Lazybones!" after a fight. Tekken don´t have that.

The case against? Two things.

Tekken´s got a lot more fighters. If you´re going on two player fighting games, Tekken will last a lot longer.

Tekken´s combos look much cooler, though they´re harder to pull off. This is as close to martial arts movie as it gets…

Wait a minute… did I just negate why you should pick Dead or Alive 2? Oops!

Alright, in complete honesty, it´s a very tough call. If you love fighting games, and have the time and patience to memorize big combos and what not, choose Tekken. If you want a fun, all-around game, I say DOA2.

Now, Tekken has another interesting innovation over DOA - Tekken Bowl! Win Tekken ten or more times in arcade mode, and instead of fighting, you can have the fighters go out and… bowl.

Why? I don´t know. It´s really, really fucking stupid. My one friend Craig said something like, "I´d pay sixty bucks for a good bowling game, though!" Yeah, I didn´t really get that, either. But at the very least, I can say that Tekken Bowl is pretty bad… wait, what the fuck? Why am I discussing the merits of a bowling game? Why is there a bowling game in here? What kind of stupid shit is this?!

"Hey kids! Buy Tekken 3 and for free, you get Tekken Duck Hunt! It´s like Duck Hunt, except now you´re Jin Kazama! Well… trust us, you are. Order Now!"

Well, whatever. Now I know this is a controversial call. If you´ve played both and think Tekken is better, hey I can see that. If you´ve only played Tekken and say, "Slow Beef is stupid! Tekken´s better! Duh!", then maybe, but since you´ve aligned yourself with a fighting game that much, maybe my review isn´t your biggest problem. Getting laid should probably be higher on your priority list.

You want the better fighting game? It´s Tekken. You want the game that you and you´re friends who don´t play fighting games can have more fun with? Go Dead or Alive 2.

Now, does the Tekken Tag Tournament/Survivor 2 relationship end? God no! Look at these odd, baffling characters.

Take Mokujin. He´s made of wood, and copies other fighters´ moves. Um… does someone wanna explain this to me? How did designers even come up with this?

"Shit, we´re one character short. We need a new and different one."

"Well, have you noticed all these characters have human skin?"

"Yeah…"

"What if one character didn´t?"

"You mean he was just muscle tissue and fat? I love it! GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT! GET YOUR STYLUSES OUT!"

"No, wait! There´s more! What if he was made of… teflon?"

"Perfect!"

"No, wait… I´m getting a brainstorm… how about wood?"

"Good God, you´re a genius!"

"And he fights the same as ALL the other fighters in Tekken!"

"I´m in orgasmic awe of your creative brilliance!!! ROLL IT OUT!!!"

Tekken Tag Tournament	Survivor 2
There´s Yoshimitsu, the sword guy. He´s got a light saber. He doesn´t use it in the fight very often, which sort of defeats the purpose of bringing a lightsaber to the tournament. And according to the manual: Country of Origin: None (Originally from Japan). Sigh. I´m not going to tell you what I think of this. (It´s really stupid.)	And from Survivor 2, there´s Kimmi, the vegetarian bartender with the big chest. What I don´t quite get is why a vegetarian would choose to go on Survivor. Look, one of the big things on Survivor is the lack of food. When you´re starving, you shouldn´t be picky. So all vegetarians, take my advice: DON´T GO ON A GAME SHOW WHERE THERE´S NOT MUCH FOOD. If the island was full of salad, it wouldn´t be Survivor - it´d be Fat Kids Camp. Now besides eating only rice and bug-filled figs, what she did on the second episode baffled me entirely. The immunity challenge-deal-thing was to have all the survivors (What the hell are they surviving anyway? None of them ever die!) eat bugs and worms and shit. Kimmi had to eat cow brains. She wouldn´t do it. She was saved because someone else on the other tribe/team/whatever puked up her tripe. So the two of them faced off… the first person to eat a worm won. (Who writes this shit?!?) Kimmi happily exclaims, "A WORM! I CAN EAT THAT!!!" … … (Deep inhale) HOW THE FUCK CAN A VEGETARIAN BE OKAY WITH EATING WORMS!!! THEY´RE NOT VEGETABLES! VEGETARIANS EAT PLANTS!!! WORMS AREN´T PLANTS!!! DO I HAVE TO TELL THESE PEOPLE EVERYTHING?!? I think I´m gonna have a brain hemorrhage. I´ve got to go back to Tekken.**
	One of the other confusing Survivor 2 things was Michael. I´ve renamed him ´King Subtlety.´ Michael´s afraid of being seen as the leader, since that makes him more of a target. This actually makes sense, but that doesn´t even slow down the lunacy. Michael caught a bunch of fish, and the tribe decided to say grace before eating. Michael lead grace with: "Dear God… thank you for the food we have received. Thank you for allowing ME to catch these fish for MY tribe. And Lord, I noticed you also inspired my tribe-mates to think I am the leader. Please inspire them to realize I´m not the leader. In fact, please inspire them to realize that in Your Wisdom, you´ve deemed anyone who tries to vote me off is forever damned to hell. Amen." Wow, that was as subliminal as Pamela Anderson´s chest. Good one, Michael! Now you go back to posting, "DON´T VOTE FOR MICHAEL AT TRIBAL COUNCIL!" posters all over your camp.
Tiger the Breakdancing Pimp. Heihachi, the electrical old man. Roger, the kangaroo with boxing gloves. I can´t wait for Zip!, the fifty-foot Zippo Lighter. Thanks, Tekken!	Keith, the chef who can´t cook rice. Rodger, who decided that learning to swim would be a useless skill for Survivor 2. (There´s no water in Australia!) Maralyn, quoted as saying "Well when it comes to building the shelter, we have to realize the sun is gonna rise at certain times and give us shade, and set at certain times, and not give us shade." (Maralyn´s take on oxygen: "I heard it´s helpful to breathe!") I can´t wait for Benny, the man allergic to being on game shows. Thanks, Survivor!

Tekken Tag Tournament

Survivor 2

There´s Yoshimitsu, the sword guy. He´s got a light saber. He doesn´t use it in the fight very often, which sort of defeats the purpose of bringing a lightsaber to the tournament. And according to the manual:

Country of Origin: None (Originally from Japan).

Sigh. I´m not going to tell you what I think of this. (It´s really stupid.)

And from Survivor 2, there´s Kimmi, the vegetarian bartender with the big chest. What I don´t quite get is why a vegetarian would choose to go on Survivor. Look, one of the big things on Survivor is the lack of food. When you´re starving, you shouldn´t be picky. So all vegetarians, take my advice: DON´T GO ON A GAME SHOW WHERE THERE´S NOT MUCH FOOD. If the island was full of salad, it wouldn´t be Survivor - it´d be Fat Kids Camp.

Now besides eating only rice and bug-filled figs, what she did on the second episode baffled me entirely. The immunity challenge-deal-thing was to have all the survivors (What the hell are they surviving anyway? None of them ever die!) eat bugs and worms and shit. Kimmi had to eat cow brains. She wouldn´t do it. She was saved because someone else on the other tribe/team/whatever puked up her tripe. So the two of them faced off… the first person to eat a worm won. (Who writes this shit?!?)

Kimmi happily exclaims, "A WORM! I CAN EAT THAT!!!"

…

(Deep inhale)

HOW THE FUCK CAN A VEGETARIAN BE OKAY WITH EATING WORMS!!! THEY´RE NOT VEGETABLES! VEGETARIANS EAT PLANTS!!! WORMS AREN´T PLANTS!!! DO I HAVE TO TELL THESE PEOPLE EVERYTHING?!?

I think I´m gonna have a brain hemorrhage. I´ve got to go back to Tekken.**

One of the other confusing Survivor 2 things was Michael. I´ve renamed him ´King Subtlety.´ Michael´s afraid of being seen as the leader, since that makes him more of a target. This actually makes sense, but that doesn´t even slow down the lunacy. Michael caught a bunch of fish, and the tribe decided to say grace before eating. Michael lead grace with:

"Dear God… thank you for the food we have received. Thank you for allowing ME to catch these fish for MY tribe. And Lord, I noticed you also inspired my tribe-mates to think I am the leader. Please inspire them to realize I´m not the leader. In fact, please inspire them to realize that in Your Wisdom, you´ve deemed anyone who tries to vote me off is forever damned to hell. Amen."

Wow, that was as subliminal as Pamela Anderson´s chest. Good one, Michael! Now you go back to posting, "DON´T VOTE FOR MICHAEL AT TRIBAL COUNCIL!" posters all over your camp.

Tiger the Breakdancing Pimp. Heihachi, the electrical old man. Roger, the kangaroo with boxing gloves. I can´t wait for Zip!, the fifty-foot Zippo Lighter. Thanks, Tekken!

Keith, the chef who can´t cook rice. Rodger, who decided that learning to swim would be a useless skill for Survivor 2. (There´s no water in Australia!) Maralyn, quoted as saying "Well when it comes to building the shelter, we have to realize the sun is gonna rise at certain times and give us shade, and set at certain times, and not give us shade." (Maralyn´s take on oxygen: "I heard it´s helpful to breathe!") I can´t wait for Benny, the man allergic to being on game shows. Thanks, Survivor!

Sigh. Alright. Tekken´s a ton of fun. If you´ve got a lot of fighting game loving friends and/or are awesome at fighting games, it´s Tekken. But if you´re not that great at fighting games, and want something all your friends can play, Dead or Alive 2 it is. Tekken´s more in tune to professionals.

This is Roger. He's in Tekken as one of the fighters. Yeah. A fucking kangaroo. That alone should be the deciding factor in getting DOA2 over TTT. Click him to go back.

*You know CRT? He never said any of that stuff on this page - I wrote it. In fact, he really didn't even give permission for that. I can't believe you thought he actually talks like that!

**You know on telling that joke in the real world, that is, about ´how can a vegetarian be okay with eating worms?´ - well, people took one look at her green bra (I have to admit, that was pretty cool - the bra I mean.) and said, "Don´t you dare say a bad thing about Kimmi, you commie fuck! She said she doesn't eat mammals and a worm´s an annelid! So there, y-y-you commie fuck!"

Lesson? Don´t talk to radicals. They´re right: Kimmi said she doesn´t eat mammals, poultry, fish, and like, crustaceans or something. So basically she´s ordered what is morally okay to eat by kingdom and phylum. I think that´s silly.

Yo, Slow! What about the green bra?

Uh, good call. Now that you mention it, maybe worms are made of lettuce after all!